Dreamz

Oxymoronic thought

2010-05-09T22:46:00.002+08:00

It's about time i'd be returning to Singapore. It's so wierd how people can be. Previously, when i was in HK, i wished to return to Singapore. But now tt time is up and i'm gg to return, i'm totally unenthusiastic about it. I do not want to return to the "jail". I have intention to move out of house when i return to Singapore. But i wonder if i am able to cos i haf a bad feeling that the person who likes to tie me dwn will never allow it. Sigh. I kinda feel lk staying in HK to work despite all the loneliness that i might end up wif. Guess i'm juz tired and i really feel lk running awae forever...

But i haf a verbal agreement about my job. Hence, i still haf to return to Singapore. Meanwhile, let me try to plan a wae to run out of the house. And i also haf planned a few thgs. Wanna learn some musical instrument or smthg. Cos i m bored. Mayb tk up driving lesson. Hmmm, or mayb go for some crisis relief work? And if i'm bored would fly awae again and find work somewhere?

Will my life ever stop revolving around running awae? sometimes juz feel so tired. Y can't i juz be happie and lead the life i want. Y can't people stop trying to run my life and irritate the hell out of me???!!! Sigh.

Lonely

2010-01-21T00:03:00.002+08:00

This is not the 1st and neither is this my 2nd month in HK. But this trip back to HK is miserable indeed. I don't know why but i feel so empty and lonely. I have no mood to do assignments. I just keep thinking of going back to Singapore. Maybe there're really people whom i miss back in Singapore. I hope my life can be reverted back to normal the moment i return to Singapore. But yet once again, everything might have changed when i return. The only constant in this world is change. So will the dream world of Serene ever come back again when she returns?

I think i m starting to feel depressive symptoms setting in. Think the lack of socialization is really bad for me. Mayb cos this sem i socialise even lesser with people. Cos everyone are more busy. Smtimes i juz wonder why God made me such a people orientated person? It's so miserable being so fearful of loneliness. If only i am a loner. Then maybe alot of things that affect me now will not affect me anymore.

Is the crying during the past few nights juz symptoms of PMS? Sigh.

Boredom!!!

2009-09-22T15:14:00.002+08:00

Can't believe myself feeling bored in HK. Mayb as the saying goes "Grass is alwaz greener on the opposite side". Cannot help but tink that it's true. In Singapore when i was working, i yearn to come over to HK and stuyd. But now i m studying, i feel so stressed up by the tons of assignments and test. I din remember having so many assignments in school. Neither did i remembering feeling so stressed up by tests. Think i'm just getting older and brain has decided to slow dwn in function.

In addition, all my frenz r in Singapore. Yes, i do haf frenz here wif me from singapore but i guess i'm not tt close wif them. So yes, i'm missing everyone in Singapore. My church frenz, my colleagues, my secondary sch frenz, my poly frenz. I'm feeling so anti social over in HK. Crap.

Keep wanting to attend church but tons of sch work has juz stopped me frm attending. But if i dun attend church, tink i'd juz remain anti social forever. Realli yearn to strt attending church, get to noe frenz in HK. And live lk a Hongkonger rather than a miserable Singaporean hiding in my own hole. Of cos, it does not help wif me being on budget. Sigh.

Shall go continue starring at my books preparing for my test nxt week. God....

My New Home

2009-08-22T23:18:00.010+08:00

It's been 3 weeks in HK and finally i haf motivation to sit down and update my blog. The most exciting thg i did in my 1st week in HK is looking for apartment and getting the apartment furnished.

Oh well, thank God that i am smart enuff to do some research to narrow down my search area cos unlike Singapore where an estate agent proabably has accomodation from throughout Singapore, in HK if u go to 1 place, the estate agents onli haf accomodation for tt area. After some research including financial constraints, decided that To Kwa Wan is probably the best option. An overall impression of To Kwa Wan - An older estate where you live life like the real Hong Kongers. There're so many elderlies in this old estate and to a certain extent it feels like Toa Payoh in Singapore. Although some people says that To Kwa Wan does not feel safe but i feel otherwise. I took precautions by staying in a flat with security, though i tink the security is abit for show onli. Then also tried to choose a block that faces the main road so tt means the street will be more lively even when i come back at nite. And i managed to get a high level apartment with windows facing highwae, so i guess it's difficult for robbers to try to climb in thru the window. And the door technicalli has more than 1 lock cos we haf the main gate lock and 2 door locks!!! But the 1 main gate lock is not usually locked lahx. Tink other residence finds it a bother to lock the door lo.

I must realli comment about this interesting characteristic of HK apartment. Unlike Singapore where apartment r rent out even one room by one room or entire unit, HK apartment is divided into many indvidual units which they call a suite room. So technicalli i rented a small hotel look alike room wif a toilet and a mini table supposed to be my kitchen.

Here is a picture of my suite room:

After revamping +++:

As for school, it has just started but stress has begun. I realli think i haven studied for 2 long. And my lack of interest and experience in research plus a lost in topic choice realli start to stress me up. Just pray for guidance from God that things will just flow when i strt working. Sigh.

Counting little blessings~

2009-08-14T20:20:00.000+08:00

Throughout this preparation of going to HK, i realli feel veri veri blessed. I cannot stop counting the blessings God placed in my life. God brought me someone who is alot more "C" then i m. So he did most of the planning while i was more thinking of going over then let's see wat happened. Buti guess good preparation might simply juz mean that i would be less panicky when i go over.

There are also people who blessed me financialli. I could not express how humbled i felt by the financial blessings that people around me showered me with. People whom i did not expect to receive monetary gifts from lk my CG frenz, my lecturer, all blessed me above and beyond wat i can realli tink of. And i noe financial blessings will continue when i go over to my grandma's house cos i already noe that i would be blessed once again.

I realli am thankful to God for placing people like them in my life. I am who i am because of people around me. Everyone who is involved in this preparation to HK has been a significant contributor to my pursuit for my masters degree and has contributed to the crafting of a better Serene.

God's plan

2009-07-08T23:39:00.002+08:00

Sometimes i realli do not understand God's plan and i feel so fearful in times of uncertainty. Yet sometimes i feel that everythg in this world is realli held in the hands of God. Nomatter how insensitive i m and how wrong i make decisions, at the end of dae, God will juz move everythg such that the puzzle fits nicely together as long as a prayer was once made and you juz decide to leave thgs into God's hands.

God's timing is juz so interesting. This time i realli kinda felt wat it meant by God is never too earlie, never too late but juz on time. If this happened too earlie, no fruits will bear forth. If this happen too late, fruits would haf dried up. But cos it happened right on time, going awae for a year i believe would only serve to strenghthen relationship and move everythg into right direction.

And now when i reflect back upon things that happen in the past in our lives, it feels lk God is juz preparing us for this moment. Juz lk wat i alwaz pray, "Prepare us Lord". So i juz wanna leave the remaining 1 year while i'm awae in God's hands. I want to trust in him. I may realli be scared but courage is not the absence of fear but the determination to continue despite the fear.

So i want to just continue to walk with courage with God holding my hands to guide me thru each and every single step. Hope when i come back, everything tt i haf now is not a dream but a dream going into fruitation.

Collection of thoughts and feelings

2009-05-31T23:15:00.002+08:00

Haven been blogging for a while as usual. Been super lazy. But not seeing my blog does not mean that my life has ceased. Lol. Well as usual, my masters programme preparation has been driving me crazy. I've been rushing to banks, depositing cheques, transferring money all in order to get my financial proof ready to be sent out. But guess wat, i dun even noe if i shld address my financial proof to hkpu or immigration dept. My fren suggested HKPU and i decided to follow. Well, we concluded that who it is addressed to is not that important, afterall all they wanted to know is that i haf enuff money for my masters programme is it not. Whatever. Pray that everythg will go well.

Well, but money is not the only issue with my masters programme. I was slammed with news tt someone was having some issues with getting her masters recognised. God. After all the trouble, the last thg i wanna hear is this. I was shocked, stunned, stressed and upset. I msged ppl to verify the truth of this msg. And i think it's realli by grace of God that i have good frenz ard me. My lecturer gave me the number of this "victim" and told me to call her. And while i was thinking abt wat to sae to this stranger, my fren offered to call her on my behalf as she was acquainted with her. And guess wat, b4 anythg was even done, my lecturer has called her. I was realli touched and humbled by my frens. Many ppl gave me suggestions, offered real help. Can you imagine ur lecturer calling ppl up to look for the answers you desire? Throughout tis application for my masters programme, i felt stressed, lost and upset. Many many problems came along the wae, to the point where i haf once tot of giving up.

Realli could not help but thank God for frens ard me. Frenz who realli helped me. Whether i am close to them or not, they have always been around me, helping me in times of my needs. Smtimes when even family does not stand by me, i thank God simply for different grp of frenz who stand by my side through all times. I sometimes imagine wat my life would haf been without frenz, i tink it would haf collasped. So i simply juz wanna thank God for being with me, putting ppl ard me to love me and help me. I love the Lord and i love my frenz 2. Hugz...

Bad dae

2009-03-24T22:08:00.002+08:00

Was wondering if i shld post some of the events tt happened todae tt contributed to my super bad dae. Was worried that some thgs i said might hurt other ppl or affect others who read my blog. But tis's my blog, suppose to be a place where i can release my emotions. Well, i try to keep everythg as confidential as possible.

My dae was initialli strted fine. But it was onli less than an hour frm strt of work that my dae was tarnished. Overheard my senior talking to one of my fren abt a seminar tt's coming up and they need an OT to give talk during the seminar. The doctor in charge suggested my fren. Well, i must admit i kinda felt hurt. Number 1, she's already out of the rotation. Number 2, i am doing geri longer than her. I agree that she is a veri good therapist, sometimes i do think that she's much better than me. But being bypassed like this makes me juz wonder if i've done anythg wrong or not so good or at least i have not done well enuff to be recommended to give the talk. Though my fren tried to comfort me by saying that i may not be around since it's happening at end of year, but i dun tink that is the reason y they did not suggest me. Thing is the wae the thg is being said does not even sound lk i was taken into consideration. Disappointed in myself more than anythg else actualli. Sigh.

Den to make thgs worse, gg into the ward where my most irritating patient lie, someone told me dunnoe who wants me to see him 3 times a dae. Siao. He does not even need me to c him daily. And he's so FON tt i could not even refuse to see him. How i wish he'd be discharge soon. I pray that God will send him home asap. Oh God, haf mercy on me. He's driving me up the wall!!!

Things does not end juz lidat. During MDM i feel equalli sucky. Dr kept asking me abt things abt cognitive retraining but can dementia patient's cognition ever be retrainable. God. Mayb i'm overly sensitive cos of the morning thg. Juz felt so sucky after the entire MDM.

Den went into my ward to review patient and my PT happily juz refuse to ambulate a patient simply cos he's on external fixator and he looks lk he has tremendous potential to work. When i discuss the case wif him, i juz conclude, he's trying to shun extra work which irritates the hell out of me.

Sigh. Work is juz work y m i putting so much emotions into my work. At the end of dae, work is juz smthg we do so that we can bring money back home is that not? Y m i feeling so affected by everythg at work. Feeling so PMS now. Sigh. God, reassure me, let me noe that everythg is still in ur hands and that i can praise u in every single situation, trusting in ur faithfulness that u haf a plan for me and everythg happens for a good reason.

While waiting for my drama to load...

2009-03-16T00:20:00.002+08:00

Hmmm, actualli haf nthg much to blog but i'm tryin to wait patiently for my drama to load!!! So so long!!! IT's so a tiring process to convert the video version from rmvb to avi to a mp4 readable version. Fan si le. Arghx. I've become a drama addict for the past few weeks, been watching drama every single time i'm free. hahax. Not too bad a leisure cos it keeps me occupied.

I've been wondering these few daes y do i feel so tired nomatter how much i slp. Feeling so tired todae. Went to serve at dialect church and the elderly had a time of fellowship. I tink my elderlies r veri anti social, they juz sit there and keep quiet. Oh my. I think those who're frenz r already frenz, those who r not are not likely gg to be cos they simply dun lk each other. Elderly haf their own tinking and it's so difficult to tell them tt we muz try to love ppl who're not lovable. And i muz admit i haf no gift of discipling anyone lahx so totalli dunnoe how to tell dem so everytime they complain to me i juz oh okie. Yet again, afterall they're my elders mahx. Cannot tell them wat is rite and wrong rite. My elderlies despite being so adorable but they're juz so non-enthusiastic. Wonder wat i can do to help.

Also had a great time fellowhshiping wif Hazel and having 2nd round of dinner. Crap. Think i'm growing fat again. Shld realli try to refrain from eating too much. Gonna scare awae all guys and die fat. hahax. Okie lame finish le. And my drama is gonna finish loading soon le. Shall go slp soon aso le. Time for slping queen to fellowship wif her bf Mr Zhou. lol.

Leaving everythg into God's hands~

2009-03-07T08:49:00.003+08:00

I think i realli m someone who worries alot. Worries about wheather i am doing the right thing at work, worried about whether people thinks i'm doing well at work, worried about whether my peers like me or dislike me, worried about whether my future as a therapist is going to look gloomy or whether i can find a new job elsewhere, whether i can find THE special person in my life and the list goes on.... Wahx, wat a worrier i m. I realli wanna quit being a worrier this year. Wanna learn to leave everythg into God's hand. Wanna be a person who lives by faith, trusting that wat i desire in my heart shall be God's desire and my desire shld come to pass. I wanna be more carefree in my life!!!

This is my new year resolution and hopefulli i won't haf to bring this yr new year resolution to nxt yr. lol. This yr is a yr that i wanna grow and mature frm a young kid into an adult. Not lk i feel that i'm veri childish but i wan to become more mature. More mature in handling my emotions, more mature when i look at things at work, more mature during decision making in life. I can't possibly be a kid forever and lk when i'm 30 yo, still a childish 30 yo, den become 40 am still a childish 40 yo and when i turn 80 still childish. God.

Well, hopefulli by the end of this year, or when i come back frm HK, frenz ard me will find that i am a changed person, for the better of cos.

Thank God

2009-03-03T20:58:00.002+08:00

Recently got to noe someone. Was talking to him and suddenly i realli felt so thankful to God. I do not know what exactly happened to him in his past relationship 2 years ago but every single thg that he said to me sounded so emotional. He was hurt and the hurt did not heal, he was so so bitter, not being able to love again freely cos he bear so much resentment. He builds a tall wall between himself and other gers, juz to protect his heart. Nothing wrong to protect ownself frm hurts but overdoing it is a disaster. I could totalli c that his next relationship is heading into failure if he does not pull himself out of it.

Hearing him somehow reminded me of myself. The me after breaking off wif Ryan. The me who do not dare to love again, telling myself that abstinece and the best prevention. The me who feels that noone will be able to accept me and love me. The me who at one point became so bitter that i could not truly congratulate ppl from the bottom of my heart when they find their true love. I became someone who self victimised. Looking back, how would anyone love a ger lk me then.

But now i juz want to thank God. I thank God for everythg tt the church teaches, every word that my frenz shared and every book that i haf read. Somehow, i dun noe when and how, i realised how disastrous my life was. I thank God that i made a decision to change. I thank God that he gave me a new perspective of looking at things. I thank God that he heals the hurt, remove the fear, gif me new hopes and made me a more positive and optimistic person. So i realli wan to thank God for being a moulder of my character, that thru each failure, i haf became stronger.

Till today, i still believe that nothing happens out of coincidence, everythg that happen ard us happen cos of God's plan and if we open our eyes to see and open our hearts to receive, we'll realised how much we can learn each dae. Thank God for being THE GOD, Creator of heaven and earth. Thank God for his love, nuturing character and patience. Thank you my Lord.

HK studies

2009-02-24T23:26:00.002+08:00

Finalli i completed my application for my Masters in Occupational Therapy in HK Polytechnic University. It's realli a mix feeling. On one hand i realli feel that it is God's timing to go for the masters programme (or m i hallucinating) and i'm all excited abt the fact that i can finalli achieve an important goal in my life and i can spend a year abroad to learn and mould myself abit more. On the other hand, i fear, fearing of the uncertainties i'd face there. All alone overseas with no frenz and family, unfamiliar with the culture and unable to speak the language. Not having people who loves accepts me to tell me that everythg is alrite.

Hmmm, tink i'm overall still a negative person as much as i pump in positive self tots to boost myself up. When thgs dun go the wae i wan it to go, i wonder if the problem lies in me. I guess smtimes it does but smtimes it does not. But y does shit alwaz happens and there're so much thgs for me to fear and worrie. I realli wan to be more confident in myself and stop worrying, juz do everythg to my best.

Even though i kinda finalli was able to convince myself tt i'm not too bad a therapist, sometimes i wonder if i realli m as wat people said, a therapist with good groundings and that i shld not doubt myself. My work performance smtimes make me wonder otherwise. God!!!

Okie, i shall try to be more positive once again. Instead of lamenting, i shall once again work harder to improve myself lk any other time so that once again, i can sae that i haf done well. Hopefulli all my nonsense thoughts will come to an end soon. =)

Importance of fellowship

2009-02-09T23:16:00.002+08:00

God saes we muz b rooted in a church and spend time fellowshiping with one another. Even though tis yr juz strted, but i've learnt a little more abt myself and God's word. Been growing more and more.

Tis few daes, i seem to b understandin abit more on importance of fellowship. Fellowship allows you to:
1. Meet your socialisation and some aspect of emotional needs
2. Provide you with spiritual advise when needed
3. To correct your weakness in gentle and loving manner
4. Let God lead you back to the narrow way whenever you drifted away
5. Provide encouragement when u feel lost
6. Know u're not alone
7.Support dreams and visions God gave you

I tink there're more to these for importance of fellowship, so i realli thank God for placing me in a wonderful spiritual family, though i alwaz joke tt i wanna change CG, but i haf sm real frenz ard in tis CG whom i love too much to part. =)

Confused~

2009-02-08T10:50:00.002+08:00

Sigh, relationship is so so confusing. Now he's not the onli one who's confused. I'm equalli confused 2. I haf decided that my bf need to be a christian, so technicalli he's out of the game but i juz kinda lk him a little a little and everytime i talk to him online, he'd stir the emotions a little a little. But i juz tink that his confusion is probably caused by us progressing too fast and it might be better for me to disappear for a month or so to somewhere else. I juz kinda fear that if i decide to wait at the end of dae, it's juz another disappointment lk last relationship. Plus, i dun tink he'd ever meet the spiritual criteria of mine.

At this time, there come another guy frm church. I dun even haf the mood to tink of this question. But it's making everythg so luan and irritating. Though he did not directly ask me, but i noe he lks me. All i can sae is wrong timing ba. Plus i dun tink he can provide me wif the financial security i need.

God, y can't u juz stop playing ard wif me. Stop making relationship so confusing. I juz need 1 ideal 1 and no need so many. Sigh. Colecting seashells and choosing the best, but if u haf too many seashells, it causes alot of problems 2.

Stop flirting~

2009-02-07T12:46:00.002+08:00

I hate it when everytime i decide to gif up, he'd come to me and flirt with me. It makes me waiver again. But it realli hurts big time when u feel that the person u lk is not willing to make a commitment and all he wants is to flirt with you and lust for u. I'm not easy catch, neither m i lose and cheap. So can't he juz stop everythg tt he's doing and gimme a break. Arghx. Realli do not understand man at all.

Is it juz that all man r so selfish, or is it simply cos he's not a Godly man. I realli wan someone who don't lust after me but juz love me as who i am. Looks will fade awae some dae. I'd grow old some dae. I need security to noe that even if i become ugly one dae, i'd still be loved simply for the Serene she is.

My fren yesterdae came to tell me that guys dun treasure easy catch. Though there's no under meaning, but it hurt big time, suddenly felt lk i was viewed as cheap, lose, throwing myself onto him. But it's juz all not true, i'm juz being real to my own feelings. Crap. Shitty man. Dun understand them at all. Dunnoe how i shld be reacting cos man r juz wierd.

Re-exploring my own values

2009-02-02T21:05:00.002+08:00

I've lived 24 years of my life, some values are already deep within my heart while others are new values i adopted as i grow up but i'm still struggling to come to terms with these values and haf it fit in my life.

My latest wrong relationship has been so quiet that hardly anyone had known it. However, it sets my mind thinking realli hard. If God had meant for this wrong relationship to happen it muz be happening to set me thinking abt things that i refuse to tink or haf chucked aside for so so long~

What kinda qualities do i want in my bf? This is a question i did not realli think abt. My relationship most of time happens cos, well, i juz haf a crush on this someone, i dun even noe y. And this someone happen to like me, i so happen to also need someone during that time and there u go we got 2gether. But can love realli overcome every single thing in life? Can love realli overcome every single differences 10 years down the road? I seriously tink it's time i sit dwn to think abt these question so that my next relationship will no longer be a "goodbye" in few months time type. Though half the time i'm ditched. Mayb is retribution. Lol.

Second question, is it a must for my bf to be a christian? I half gave up trying to believe tt if i get 2gether wif sm1 he will be converted. Wat if he never? Den wat m i suppose to do? We might juz get irritated with one another cos i wan him saved and he refuse to be saved. Faint. So if i decide that if it is imp that my bf must be a christian den i better onli date a christian. If my answer is no den i shall not even bother to convert my bf. Accept him as who he is.

Third question i'm struggling with, is God realli real? If God is not real who m i sacrificing and limting myself for? Scary question that i dunnoe how to handle and confront. But i noe these questions need to be answered b4 i get into nxt relationship and they're all interconnected, cos 1 kinda leads to the other. Well, well, shall seek God's wise consel come dae to talk abt it. Lalala.

Short Dream

2009-01-31T11:25:00.002+08:00

When God says "no", i insit on going forward. Then i kinda regretted cos i do not q wan to walk out of God's will for me. I wan the best in both worlds. But in life, there's alwaz a choice to make.

Was at the crossroad, but i still m unwilling to make the decision. But God was still good, he knew everythg and planned everythg. At the crossroad, the decision was made without saying that i wanna let go. I was made to let go.

Yet again, time is short and memories are few. Pain felt was definitely much lesser. This relationship as wrong as it is, had its good points too. I realised that dating non-christian will never work unless i haf every intention to walk out of God. I also had new memories to replace my feelings for the old ones and since this memories r almost inexistent, i believe i could easily refocus my life back on God.

Even though shit happens cos i did not obey, but i can still thank God for alwaz walking behind me and reorientate my life back to his will for me. I thank God that nomatter what happens, i can still trust his character 2dae, 2ml and forever. I thank God that my life is in his hands and he has a plan for me, one that is for good and not for evil, one that has a future and hope. Just wanna thank God for being so loving and nuturing, for loving me as who i am forever~

It's juz a short dream. Thank God, i woke up.

Past~

2009-01-26T00:57:00.002+08:00

Was reading Mavis's blog and came across an entry abt her past relationship. I was so moved and touched. Was thinking abt my own scarred past. Wonder wat would happened if i met him. But i tink God has been good to me. The dae I decided to end the relationship, i told God i do not wan to bear hatred and amazingly i dun tink i realli hated him though my heart realli aches everytime he msged or i talk to him. And i admit, i do haf some "yuan wang" de gan jue. I think i juz haf not courage to face him. I hope that in this entire lifetime, i do not need to meet him ever again. Or will God wan me to face my fears sm dae.

Everytime i look at Mavis, i somehow manage to find some hope in the bleakness of my own relationship in life. Though i tink her walk wif God is definitely better than mine, but i realli wanna walk through my life lk her. Though she's younger than me, but my admiration for her is frm bottom of my heart one lo. She has everythg tt i tink i do not haf. Hahax. Well, hope one dae, i'd look back at the past me and be able to sae, "indeed God has changed me."

Money face~

2008-12-25T22:35:00.002+08:00

I totalli dun understand parents nowadaes. Did they realli gif birth to children juz to wait for them to grow up and take money from them. Seriously, whether a not she washes my stupid clothes and iron my stupid clothes u tink it poses as threat to me. I'm lazy but i'm capable as well. If relationships need to be built on foundation of money den let it be. There need to be no more love in this relationship.

Dun complain how well other children haf treated their parents. Cos for the 2 most stressful event in my life u haf not stand by my side. U haf been additional stressor to me. And if a mum is lidat den i will juz be veri practical wif ur relationship. 300 a month lk employ maid. additional 200 a month is for maid's bonus.

Has juz been veri disappointed in parents in my life. I wonder y God made me go thru life wif such parents. Is it so tt i can appreciate him more? Sigh. Tot tis yr's bonus i can use to fund my studies. Look lk smthg cropped up along the wae. Need to retink of waes to save money for my degree conversion. Sigh.

Bdae Wishes

2008-12-14T03:23:00.002+08:00

Had my bdae celebration with W328 and N354 2dae. I'm older by 1 more year le. So sad. I'm already 24 le but i still got so many undone things in my life. So this year, i seem to have so many wishes. Basicalli i tink mainly r the things tt i wanna get done in yr 2009. So i shall tk tis as a pre-new year resolution then.

Spiritual: More consistent in my daily quiet time and bible reading
Learn to hear more clearly from God and walk according to his instructions

Family: Breakthrough in my relationship with my family
- Learn to forgive past hurts
- Gain trust of family members and freedom in life
- Learn to honour and respect the authority of parents placed over my life by God

Work: Go for my masters in HK in September debt free

Emotions: Mature in ability to handle emotions
- Get out of the cycle of feeling rejected, lonely and indulging in self pity
- Being more able to show love and receive love without fear of being hurt - Learn to trust
- Accept imperfections of people around me without being overly critical
- Learning to change my weakness without bein overly critical of self and not being overly prideful
- Show wisdom in expression of emotions
Relationship: - Being able to let go of past hurts and scare caused by previous wrong relationships
- Having a breakthrough in relationship

Wat emotions shld i be showing?

2008-11-27T22:09:00.003+08:00

Sometimes i realli feel so tired to live up to people's expectation. I noe i'm not perfect and being "I" lives at the state where people either like or hate u. I'm veri expressive when it comes to emotions. Yes, i may sometimes be super tactless, sound proud, idiotic or even irritating, but seriously, that's the me i m. Crazy most of time. But y is it that nomatter wat face i gif i aso get criticised.

Is being S better, everythg tt happen u juz smile and ignore. Y the hell did God make ppl who're so terribly criticised by the world. I hate it when people criticise the real me. Do i alwaz haf to put on a false front? Everyone can be themselves but i cannot. Smile aso kanna sae, play as ' kanna sae, gif black face and be serious aso kanna sae. And stop telling me" I noe u r lidat but... Dun act as if u noe me when u dun. Do u noe wat thgs go thru my mind. I dun even tink u're anywhere near my fren category. We're juz acquintance. Get lost!

Totalli dun feel lk playing basketball tis yr. Play till so unhappie since dunnoe when. y the hell do i wanna play the sport. Mayb i juz do not haf talent in it. Or mayb the team or the game does not suit me. Gimme a break. Let me juz be who i m for once without having to tink of other ppl's feeling.

I tink of other people's feeling who tink of mine? Aren't i alwaz hurt by ppl's words and when r these people tactful in the 1st place. Stop always sayin, "Serene, you shld not.... (A-Z).

If u hate me juz get awae frm me. Dun even need EQ. Juz ignore me and dun be my fren. It's not like i realli trust fren anyway. Juz dun wanna end up in a state where i tink tt being withdrawn is the best solution. Shld i juz ignore everythg, gif a str face everythg ppl sae. I realli wish i can, but do u noe how diff is it for me.

SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HATE EVERYTHG NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GIMME A BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sigh...

Self Reflection

2008-11-08T13:11:00.005+08:00

I'm been feeling quite upset yesterdae. Mainly i think due to lame reason and my own reactions and stupid emotions after that resulting in severe sense of rejection. I think recently, i'm starting to lose a little of self identity as i struggle to know myself more and find out my weaknesses and try to change them. I start to wonder which part of my self identity is something that i should and can change without losing my sense of self and which part of my self identity should i accept. So now is a time for short reflection.

Now let's take a look at my strengths:
- As a friend: Caring, loving, willing to make sacrifice, listens
- As a therapist: Love my patients, listen and help the juniors, relatively sound clinical reasoning, able to build relatively good rapport
- As a Christian: Love God, reflective and want to change for better, willing to sacrifice financially, willing to extend my service when needed

Weakness:
- As a friend: Emotionally dependent on friends, gets overly worked up when friend criticises me
- As a therapist: Whines too much about work, complains but don't think of solutions, negative mindset about workplace, overly prideful yet low self confidence
- As a Christian: Poor self discipline

Okie. That about it for now. Wonder if anyone has anythg to add. Lol. Well, let me see, where should i start changing a little, think i can whine but mayb not whine to everybody. Since whining is my coping skills i cannot remove it totally. Then erm, i need to focus a little bit more on my strengths and accept my weakness a little bit more so that i can be a little more confident about myself. Lalala. Okie let me just work on these 2 points 1st ba. :)

Boredom

2008-10-15T15:51:00.003+08:00

It's again about a month since i last blogged. So here i am again to update my blog. But you know wat, i'm updating it partially cos i'm so super bored at home. If you wonder y, that's cos i'm on 1 week of hospitalisation leave after removing my wisdom tooth.

I do agree that having 1 week of leave sounds great. Super good time to juz slack off. But it's not so when u've got nthg much to do and end up trying very hard just to find entertainment for yourself. I've tried watching shows. No doubt shows r great but after watching for a while, u feel sick and tired of it. Den i change to reading comic. Equalli boring after a while. Wat else haf i tried? Reading a book. But seriously, i'm not quite into the mood of reading now. I even tried cooking. But dun q enjoy the process of having to wash up so gave up again.

God, wat shld i do wif tis plenty time that i'm blessed with. I tink being on leave for 2 or 3 daes consecutively is good for rejuvernating. But 1 full week of leave without anythg to do is realli killing!!! Hahax.

Nonetheless, was talking to one of my fren about purpose in life. Realised that there're many ppl who realli missed the real purpose in life. I dun q understand how can anyone claim, living a simple life, eating, slping and enjoying is a purpose in life. I have nothing against living a simple life but just imagined that throughout your entire life all you do is eat, slp and enjoy. I then seriously wonder y shld i live. Cos i tink it's such a waste of time, energy for me to go through each dae. Imagined the pain and agony of waking up early each day to go to work and the amount of irritation u receive at work. Plus the dae to dae heart breaking experience that u haf. If all the pain and misery is all juz so that i can live a simple life, den mayb it's time i tell God i do not want this life.

I also does not haf any idea about purpose in life b4 i came to church. Maybe alot of who i am now is shaped by church, shaped by the bible and people in church. I'm starting to realised how some people must haf been feeling so lost, mayb they dun feel it but i feel it for them, without knowing God. Mayb there're those who are not that bad as to be lost, but i still believe that wif God in our lives, there's nthg to lose but loads to gain.

Though i dunnoe how, juz feel like using my life to touch the lives of people ard me. Not by hard selling the gospel but by real action to just make people's life a little better dae by dae. Though i would certainly pray that everyone whom i love will come to know God one of these daes cos i seriously believe that knowing him is my greatest blessing in my life.

Withdrawal Symptoms

2008-09-15T23:56:00.003+08:00

I think i do not haf a very healthy emotions. It has been lidat since dunnoe when but i'm starting to feel that either i'm gaining more and more insight on my emotions or my emotional health is getting frm bad to worse.

I've concluded that i'm simply a grouchy person. My emotions forever affect others. But yet i cannot hide my emotions and end up mking alot of ppl sad. I nvexpect ppl to like me but i no need to makemyself so detestable. So i learn to run. Whenever i sense any bit of rejection, i run awae frm them. Is it wrong to even just be myself? I feel so tired having to put on a smiley front to face others. I noe it's not easy for ppl to handle my emotions but yet at the same time, i dun tink i've really wanted anyone to handle my emotions. Can't i juz haf some personal space to be ignored.

Sigh life is really a very tiring thing. sometimes i just wonder if i'mr ealli so difficult to befriend or i'm really so difficult to like. If i m then just let me live in my own word, out of the community. It's tiring trying to befriend people not knowing how much ppl accept you.

Oh God gimme a break~

I'm juz grouchy~

2008-09-02T00:16:00.002+08:00

I realised that i'm juz gg into a downward spiral in terms of my emotional condition. I'm upset abt work, family, friends. Everythg tt i can pick on i'm upset. Hahax. I tink i'm letting myself dwell into sense of rejection again. Mayb noone has ever rejected me. It is me who rejected myself. Cos i realli tink i couldn't stand my character and who can stand someone wif such intense emotions esp when they're q negative.

Let's strt from work. I've basically given up on CGH. Sometimes i wonder if it's juz about me. Y is it tt all other ppl appear to be surviving fairly well there. Mayb my EQ is juz wae too low and i often offend ppl without knowing. Sigh. Juz feel picked on left rite centre. Even when i did not do anything, people must make assumptions based on their big but empty brain. And it's so tiring to be pretending that i still m okie wif the management though i realli tink they sux big time and that they're not making sense. Well, i'm juz not the guai guai type. Lalala. I've decided to change a place to work and i've also decided that when i go to the new environment, i shall keep work and personal life veri seperate. I shall speak when only utmost necessary. I tink this world is a tiring world to survive in cos people are so difficult to read. U dunnoe when u're placing urself into utmost danger~

And home. I'm juz tired. Tired abt her hubbing on me daily to go home, turn off my computer etc etc. U noe after a full dae at work, i kinda juz wanna tk a break and juz switch off my brain. Everything at work is so brain taxing cos i need to entertain idiots whom i dun feel lk entertaining. And every answer i give must be politically correct. And even if i tink that they're coming up wif the most non-sensical and idiotic idea, i need to hide my facial expression and juz go ya we'll try. Duh. Some things u dun need to try to noe that it will not work. Lk the S-Bar. Duh. It's nthg but extra work and waste of time and energy. Haven we tested it long enuff. I tink the low compliance rate speaks it all. I do not need to further elaborate about that.

And frenz, actualli, not much thg abt fren. As usual, the negative tots tt frens juz come and go.

I cannot believe tt i'm so terribly negative andi tink all these negative thoughts r realli killing me. Cos i tink it makes my dae feel xian and dull and dunnoe wat. Wateva. I juz pray 2ml will be a better dae. Will i suddenly feel more happie. Hahax.

Irritating home~

2008-08-03T01:27:00.002+08:00

Sometimes i realli hate this home. I feel that i'm in half a prison. When i come home late, she make noise. When i'm home earlie but using the computer at nite she make noise abt electrical bill. And it's alwaz ur brother ... Your brother... For Jesus sake, wat the hell is she expecting me to do. Be lk her, a bull? Or a pig? Juz work, come home and slp. No social life, no leisure life.

Juz cos she ruined her own life, or she sadly has no frenz to entertain her does not mean she muz ruin my life. I feel that in my entire life, half my failure is due to her being my mother. Talk abt honouring parents, how to honour my own parents i sometimes wonder. Honour tis kinda parents whom i tink they're better off nv married and nv having kids.

They're the cause of misery of their children. If you do not have the ability to provide, dun gif birth. Dun blame ur dwnfall on ur children. If you do not haf the ability to provide for your children, dun gif birth, dun blame your difficult life on ur children. If you can't provide, dun gif birth, dun blame ur lack of finances on ur children. For God's sake. I hate being born in this pathetic poor family where i alwaz haf to fend for my own survival and at the end of the dae hear all ur irritating complaints and commands and orders.

Seriously, i've got 2 parents whom i seriously dun understand y they fall in love, y they get married and gif birth to bring misery to their own life and the life of their children. They noe nthg abt being spouses and parents. They shld nv be given the rite to haf kids. Wat's the point?

GIF ME A BREAK!!! Who would like to come home to a place like tis. I realli hate hearing ur voice. Hate tis home!!!

What's the suprise for 2nite?

2008-07-15T00:18:00.002+08:00

Here comes the super bimbo me again back to my blog. Dunnoe y but feel lk blogging 2dae even though it has been the most ordinary dae. But yet again, i tink with such extraodinary fren, how can my dae ever be boring?

Wat revealation will i get again 2dae during my quiet time? Hmmm. Realli wanting to noe~ My life has been so exciting when i feel God so close to me these few daes. Lol.

Okie juz a short blog to express my excitment. Time to go do QT else when i tk photo 2ml, i'd be colourless cos i've became a panda!!! Wahahax.

Btw, i'm listening to a audio sermon on "finding the right partner for life". Will i be more insightful on wat kinda guy will God send me. Hahax.

Experiencing another side of my best friend

2008-07-13T01:41:00.003+08:00

What can i once again say about you? You've been so faithful to me throughout this time. Even when my world became so dark that i thought you left me, when my land felt so dry that i thought it'd never rain again, you're just standing and walking beside me like a friend would. But i've become so blinded by the things of the world that i missed you.

My dearest and most beloved friend, i just want to thank you today, for setting me free from all my past grievances, hurts and bitterness. No word could express my gratitude for you coming to me and treasuring me like i'm your most precious and filling my life with genuine joy from you.

Even as i continue my life journey with you, you've marvelled me with your amazing power again and again. The miracles that you've worked in my life and the life of other people makes me believe that you're really real. Though there're still many people who're skeptical about the things that you do, but i want you to know that i've experienced them all. And if all these are not meant to be than what are my experiences? My delusions?

Well, my best fren, like how you've walked with me always, i'd like to walk by your side everydae of my life. You're my fren, my lover, my God and the almighty King of the earth. Cos you're the King, it makes me the princess. Lol. I love you!

Attitude people on earth

2008-05-22T23:42:00.002+08:00

Back to my rattling and complaining mode once again~ Hahax. Do not understand humans more and more. Ydo they lk to gimme attitude? Do i haf thw words "hurl your attitude at me please"? Or do i look veri fan jian that i seem to enjoy attitude?

2dae in the ward, there is tis veri irritating registrar, who totalli write on her face "beat me please". Being a responsible therapist, i informed her that patient might not be able to go back 2ml as she does not haf a commode. And her remark was totalli sarcastic and she insisted on sending patients back home. So irritatingly rude and zi yi wei shi. Feel lk slapping her!!!

And wat has nv changed is my mum. Giving me attitude again 2dae cos i'm home late. Actualli is late acc to her clock and fine acc to mine. Won't she ever feel tired. Lk sae, bored of calling and irritating me? Is she trying to make my life difficult but u noe wat, she won't succeed. Cos i cannot be veri much bothered wif her. I've reached an age where with or without her consent, she can no longer control me. So ya. Lalala. As usual i shall juz ignore. Juz pray 1 fine dae, she'd feel so tired tt she stop irritating me and pretend as if i dun exist or pray i move out asap den i can escape her evil clutches. Tink she's totalli demon possessed. Lol.

Okie time to slp. M tired. Lol. Good nite~

Life Learning Journey~

2008-04-28T18:30:00.002+08:00

Mayb life has alwaz been a journey full of ups and downs. U learn along the way through ppl's mistakes and success and through ur own mistakes and success. But now i haf to learn frm ppl's mistakes tt affect my life so much.

Well, finalli had the chance and courage to ask him why. And finalli had the confidence to trust. Onli to find out that the one who hurt me most is my closest kin. Sometimes i realli wan to ask her y, y did she alwaz lk to tk my life in her own hand when hers failed so terribly. If u decide to produce a life, do u not produce it to gif it life and choice. Y do u bother to produce life to gif urself a second life to live. Juz cos u haf not done these thgs rite, den i become ur bu jiu ping. Dun lk it at all. To sae i'm totalli not upset wif her, i muz be a big liar. How can i not be upset. How can she be so selfish. All she see is wat she tinks.

But of cos, knowing wat had happened had relieved me from alot of guesses. Though i do not understand how thgs changed so fast. And still cannot explain all my tots. But i choose to believe tt it's not me who kan zou yan. But well, i guess some thgs is juz so miraculous ba. I feel that i'm all ready to move on frm the hurt accumulated in this relationship to a whole new level.

Somehow, i noe nomatter how silly it may sound, nomatter how my life progress, the little him will still stay in a little part of my heart as someone special to me in my life. Not tt i still love him or cannot let go, but mayb juz tt someone whom i treasure alot as erm, fren, ex bf etc etc, juz someone whom i treasure and love (not tt kinda bf gf love lahx). Lol... Wonder where will i be in his heart. Juz hope to be as equalli treasured and hope he keeps our memories well. I guess it juz feels good to be treated as someone treasured and is remembered.

Silly me, i'm always silly...

Of cos at the end of the dae when thgs turn out lidat, i muz try and psycho myself to be holy. Tt God's wisdom is higher den ours. And God is still in control. That if God allows such a thg to happen wif Him knowing the consequences, he muz haf greater and better plans for me ahead. Who knows 5 or 10 years down the road, u can read how exciting the life of a little girl has become. Life's juz unpredictable~

Obviously drained~

2008-02-20T23:16:00.002+08:00

Y have my life suddenly took a 180 degree turn. Last week everythg was quite good. But tis week everythg seems to have gone down the drain. I'm feeling so dry and burnt out.

Spiritualli, i'm feeling lk a piece of shit. And i realised when i'm not doing well spiritualli, it's written all over my action and all my priorities turn upside down. I noe it's wrong for me to not do QT, keep gg out, watch drama and slp. But i tink it's the easiest way for me to escape frm the terribel dae i haf at work. Sigh.

I'm feeling so so lousy at work. I dun even noe y i feel so lousy. I'm alwaz affected by ppl's reaction towards wat i sae and wat i do. I'm so sick of feeling so incompetent and am so sick of feeling so lousy. Sigh... Feeling lk a piece of shit.

God help me~ Sigh~

Spiritual reflections~

2008-02-05T00:11:00.000+08:00

I dun usually blog much about spiritual stuffs in this blog cos i noe there're many non believers out there who reads my blog. But i was juz doing some self reflection todae regarding God and my walk wif him.

While i was spending time in God's presence todae, it suddenly struck me that my story with God did not begin on the dae of my salvation but since the dae i was born, or even before i am born. God has written a story of how he tries to win my heart before my salvation and after my salvation the story goes on to continue to explained how a stubborn girl lk me is changed and transformed.

Wat could i sae about God other than the fact that he is realli good and faithful. Through all my stupidity, all my sins, all my rubbish, God still tell me that he loves me. He still saes that i'm beautiful in his eyes and he sees my strengths when others onli sees my weakness. He still saes he's please wif me and proud of me. Todae i felt as if i've seen Jesus somewhere and now, we're in two different world. Technicalli i could still communicate wif him though i could not see him. And i realli miss his face so much. Wat could i tell him when i see him, i think i could onli tell him that I miss him so so much and i realli love him.

Even though smtimes during my life, i forget abt him, i make decisions without him. But i noe i still love him alot and alot. There's indeed noone else lk Jesus. Hugz~

慈父

2008-01-03T23:47:00.000+08:00

当我最孤单庞恍的时候，
你带着呵护的微笑向我挥手。
不介意我黑暗的故事，
张开双手拥抱我的所有。

懦弱的我却无法跟从，
你依然耐心不断教导。
有如天下慈父的拥抱，
带着我走向光明之道。

我最爱的天父阿!
你的荣耀让我想炫耀。

Spiritual Type Test

2007-12-16T00:54:00.000+08:00

You are a Lover, a feeling type, whose spirituality comes primarily from the heart or emotions. You value freedom, independence, and spontaneity. Along with your gift of enthusiasm, you show us how to have fun and appreciate beauty. More than any other type, you know how to experience joy. This puts you in a unique position to experience God in the moment, to revel in what is happening around you, and to be in the present tense.

To Lovers, God is a nurturing parent. Prayer for you is often extemporaneous, speaking to God about what is on your heart at the moment. Music moves you deeply; so does heartfelt preaching and worship. You believe that real faith must be shared. Consequently, many Lovers are interested in missions or in spreading the Gospel through the media. You are passionate about holy living.

On the other hand, a Lover's impulsive behavior can get you in trouble. You sometimes focus on satisfying immediate desires to the detriment of investing in longer term needs. You have been known to exude a "holier-than-thou" attitude toward other spiritual types. That does not endear you to us. Guard against thinking that to be right everyone else must share a spiritual experience similar to yours. You also may need permission to acknowledge anger, disappointment, sadness, and doubt, and to allow yourself to be less than ideal.

Quarter life Crisis - Totalli relates to it

2007-12-03T22:54:00.000+08:00

'Quarter-life Crisis'
It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like.
You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones.
What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.
Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't.
One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure.
You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life.
You feel alone and scared and confused.
Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better.
Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person.
One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.
You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!
What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

PMS~

2007-11-27T20:19:00.000+08:00

I realli tink i PMS tis week once again. So horribly xian 2dae. I realli feel so so so tired at work. Ever since last week, i feel lk my stats has been crazily high. And when i sae crazy i realli mean that it's lk 16-19 per dae. Doing such things once in awhile won;t kill me but i tink i've been overdoing things and plus my PMS mood now i totalli killing me.

I feel obligated to tell the world tt i'm super grouchy now and when i sae grouchy, i realli mean GROUCHY!!! So if anyone has tots of irritatin me further i would advise against it, unless u're prepared to be snapped at. And i realli dun wan to make myself more upset for being unreasonable!!!

Sigh, dunnoe y i'm being fairly upset abt everythg recently. Lk the whole world owes me money lidat. How bad. Lol. Juz hope one of these daes i can stop pms-ing, feeling upset and stress and xian. Sigh, When will tt dae be... i wonder.......

Revival of my blog~

2007-11-21T22:16:00.000+08:00

Haven blog for a long long time. I tot i'll never come back to blog again cos in this blog, there're so many memories tt i've blog abt him. But nevertheless, i've decided to blog again. I wonder if there's still anyone reading my blog. Sometimes i still wonder if he'll read my blog to see how i'm doing. But well, i tink when one has to let go, one has to let go. Esp when the other party is getting married.

I think my life has finally been brought to a different focus. Now i'm spending alot of time wif frenz. Though i tink over dependence on fren might be bad. Juz worried tt the dae will come when the frenship drift apart and the loneliness will come again. I'm also learning to depend on God more. Cos the world can let u dwn but God will never never let u dwn.

As for work, i'm q happie in my geri rotation. I tink my ah mas really brighten up my dae at work. They're the cutest ppl u'll ever see. Alwaz treating u lk their grandchildren. Mayb cos i'm realli at the age where their grandchildren is at. So even as u sayang the ah ma, they'll aso sayang u back. It's such a mutual relationship. Hahax. How i wish i can stay in tis rotation forever. Lol.

As for love life, even as i'm healing the hurts and moving on, i'm preparing my emotion for another stage in life. I need to ensure tt i grow stronger emotionally so tt i'd be ready to gif and tk in the nxt relationship. Need to build up my own confidence, love for myself and acceptance of myself. I'm sure my nxt relationship will be better den my last. From glory to glory, in everythg in my life. :)

Cry of a broken heart~

2007-07-28T08:51:00.000+08:00

Just suddenly got sentimental and decided to write something about a helpless broken heart...

Every look that you give
Every word that you say,
I cling on like a helpless child.
Disappointments and joy, running through my heart so wild.

Y did you choose to leave?
Y did you choose to ignore me?
Y did you have to break ur promise?
My heart is bleeding, do you see?

Please dun break my heart again,
I can no longer take the roller coaster rides you give.
Need a break from everything,
But y do i not have the courage to leave?

Feel lk blogging~

2007-07-23T00:44:00.000+08:00

I dunnoe wat to blog about 2dae but i juz feel lk blogging. I think sometimes i'm starting to wonder if i've become mad. Alwaz having wierd and unexplainable feelings. Sometimes feel lk wonder i've lost myself. Hmmm.

Went KTV last week, finally stopped crying. Wonder if i'm no longer sad or i'm juz immune to the feelings. Guess it's latter. I find that my life experiences made me more vulnerable den ever. I feel that i cry more easily and i really fear sad things happening in my life. Does it make me a more feeling person.

Juz wonder wat kinda training i'm going thru. Juz wonder wat kinda reaction m i to haf. Juz wonder wat i need to do for me to emerge as victorious. Sometimes i realli tink i've already been very strong. If i'm not strong enuff, tink i might haf gone into depression already. But i noe it's not my strength alone. But i juz wonder how much more do i haf to bear. How much stronger do i haf to get. I wan to laff awae all sorrows. Can i???

Fine Dining

2007-07-06T09:06:00.000+08:00

Well. i do admit that i'm not such a cultured person who'd go to fine dining restaurant, primarily because the price of one meal is crazy. Think a meal at fine dining restaurant cost me a day or 2 days of my pay, depending on what food is ordered. Nevertheless, think it's a good experience and if you can afford it do go with someone who noes alot. I guess u'd learn things even at fine dining restaurant. Mayb cos i sua gu.

For me, i'm juz simply fortunate being able to dine at Grand Cordon (tink tt's the hotel's name). For ur info, the meal even if order the chepest would cost you more than 80 bucks. Well, all thanks to Kate who wrote in a complain letter, we got the meal for free. The meal was pretty stressful initially, for i m not even sure what the menu is talking about. They used so many ingredients that're not usually found in typical restaurant. And i was lk "Huh, wat the hell is this." And when ordering meal, all u're hear me sae is "Can i haf this?" Totalli could not pronounce the name. Hahax.

Then when it came to the eating part, i was lk so many utensils, which to use 1st. Hahax. Luckily, we haf the ever knowledgable Susan whom u could ask 101 questions. :)

Despite the misery during some occassions, i felt lk i'm treated lk a VIP, people squats to talk to you, and the food is lk heavenly. Especially the steak, 98 bucks for a steak. What more could u ask for. And best of all everythg is free. Their service recovery was so well done that i'm sure i'll go back to dine again. Yes, a waste of money some may sae, but i tink no harm pampering yourself once in awhile. After a year's of hardwork, it'd be good if we can pamper ourselves to a meal there.

I'll be back~

Change of Working Habits or Workplace?

2007-06-29T08:49:00.000+08:00

Xian~ I noe i shld not be late everydae. I noe shld wake up on time and reach work on time. But it's just such a irritating fact that i stay so far away from the hospital and every morning it's juz such a struggle to wake up. Is it a work habit that i need to change or is it a work environment tt i need to change. Change to a place near my home? Sigh...

I guess cos i'm bonded i haf no choice but try to change my work habit lohx. Actualli i did try veri veri hard to change my work habits but it juz doesn't seem to last. When i strt feeling tired, i'd slip back to my slpy mode, refusing to wake up and strt being late for work.

Hmmm... Looks lk i gotta change my slping habit too. Try to slp earlier and wake up earlier but do u see the flaws in that? I juz haf so little leisure time during the weekdae. Tk a dae when i haf tuition for instance, by the time i reach home, it's already 9+ and after showering it's 10pm. If i were to slp at 11pm, which means all i can do is to do a short prayer den gotta slp le. Faint. I dread a life lk this. Tink i'd die if this were to happen.

Wat shld i do? Wat's the best solution? Feel lk moving out to a place nearer CGH den might help a little. Sigh... Solutions pondering in process. Need to try to be more discipline when it comes to waking up hours ba. ...........

OCD boss~

2007-06-22T08:57:00.000+08:00

I can't help but want to blog 2dae to ventilate my anger despite not having completed changing my blogskin... Wat can kill u faster than having an OCD boss... Tink she super super high "D" and "C"... All the unsanctified one for ur info!!!

Well... I noe she does not lk me but it's not lk i lk her with my heart and soul for goodness sake... If she dun mind looking into the mirror, she'd discover how many ppl actually dislike her... And all i ask for is a peacful 2 more years of work... For goodness sake... I'm leaving after 2 years!!! Not lk i'm gonna stay here forever!!!

Kaoz, y kick up a big fuss on who i inform regarding me going to be late... Muz bug on the fact that i die die my tell supervisor and not my colleagues... Will the info not be then passed on to my supervisor??? Wat if i juz suay suay dun haf my supervisor's phone number wif me at that time and all i can contact is my colleague... What the hell!!!

The other time got so hyped up abt the fact that i only inform my sup abt taking MC and not informing her!!! Kaoz... I tell u, she's realli super duper into all these nitty gritty tt makes me feel lk it's gonna kill me... Does she realise how irritating she is!!! Arghx...

I tell u, when she kao bei abt all these stuffs, onli means 1 thg, she's in a bad mood 2dae... And even more i feel lk telling her... Pls dun let ur mood and ur favorites affects how u handle issue... 2 headed snake!!! Idiot!!! I realli can't wait for my 2 years to end... I'm gonna rush to a place where heaven is... Realli feels lk i'm being trapped in hell now!!!

Bored of my blog skin~

2007-05-30T23:00:00.001+08:00

Oops... Sorrie... Blogskin in process of revamping... Please be patient with the slow me cos i veri little time to embark on this major project... But cos i wanna strt my blog again... So change yi xia...

Blog would be back soon... Hugz~ Love ya guys~

Y does love hurt so much???~

2007-05-28T00:11:00.000+08:00

Isn't love the calling of our lives??? Aren't we called to love one another??? Den y in this fallen world does love hurt so much??? Though the answer is obvious 'cos this world is fallen...

Sigh, seeing my frenz ard me reminds me of the past me... Remind me of all the sad past which i haf... Trying by their own means to restore a love relationship which they noe is gonna bring much pain...

Case scenerio 1: Falling in love with a married woman who is not willing to leave her husband --> adultery... Praying and hoping day and night that she'd get pregnent so that divorce and remarrying will come... Dun they see the flaws in this entire relationship??? From the veri start adultery is wrong and will only lead to endless sufferings... And so wat if the girl is pregnent??? Wat made u 100% sure that the girl will keep the baby or will the girl want to marry u??? If she has the responsibilty and courage, she'd already made a decision and not be lk wat she is now... So even if she has a child, result gonna be the same...

Case scenerio 2: Still loving a girl who is not willing to break up wif her current bf... Says does not want to hurt the bf but yet leading my fren on... Sigh... Dumb excuses... Y dun she tink twice before hurting my fren den???

Sigh... Y can't ppl love one another... If only they learn how to love one another and not hurt each other, all love tragedy will not happen... Sigh... At the end of the dae, the one who love u most is urself... If u dun love urself, allow urself to get hurt who can help u...

Xian... It's not lk i myself haf totally gotten over my past, guess it still haunts me every now and den... But at least it no longer hurt so much... I realised there's nthg much i can do... So wat if i cling on... Juz pray he'd not hurt me anymore... Juz pray that his reason is genuine and he'd nv hurt me wif another ger... Nightmare in my life...

Pat pat... To everyone who's hurt by love... I pray tt God will fill u with his overwhelming love so that all the pains will be numbed and disappear...

More of u~~~

2007-05-27T00:46:00.000+08:00

I realli wan more of you my dear Lord... So much that every single second of my life i'd be filled wif ur love... I'm sick and tired of days or cell groups or services that i do not noe where are u, where i could onli call out to u in vain... Abba, do you see my heart??? Wat do i need to do to be covered by ur sovereign grace and love every dae of my life???

I hate it when i'm weak, i hate it when i give in to my carnal flesh... I hate it when i get fraustrated and angry... Y is it that i'd get upset abt small and stupid things and end up going against all your will... I hate it i realli hate it to hurt u, to feel convicted and condamned... I hate it when all i can do is to cry and sae sorrie to u...

Sigh... 2dae's one of the screwed up daes again... Not walking in ur waes, not having much of ur presence wif me and screwing bdae celebrations up... I'm sorrie oh Lord... I noe i repented when i fail to walk in ur waes, but m asking 4 more den repentence, i need strength so tt i'll nv fall again... Seeking more wisdom so tt i will not screw up plans again... But u noe i've done my best do u not???

Y can human be so fickle???...

2007-01-15T23:03:00.000+08:00

How can human be so fickle minded when they come to love??? When they decided to commit into a relationship, haf they not tot about never ending love??? I noe the passion will slowly fade awae after dating each other for some time, but dun they understand that it's not passion tt sustain a relationship??? It's the communication and decision to keep on loving that sustain it...

Sigh... Recently there's tis irritatin scandal gg on in my office... An irresponsible and flirtatious guy ditched his 7-yr gf to be together wif tis irritating and bitchy ger... For u to be together wif smone for 7 yrs is there no love involved??? Sigh... But tis love is so fragile... Could not go thru test of a bitch's seduction...

Though all 3 party does not exactly has anythg to do wif me but i juz feel angry wif the scandalous couple and i feel sad for the gf... The worst thg is tt they're trying to hide their shameless affair but the whole department noe about it... And worst of all they pulled one of my colleague, good fren of mine, into the picture...

Sigh... Can they stop being so egoistic and zi lian and cheap... Wat is the world becoming...

A fallen man of God~~~

2007-01-09T00:53:00.000+08:00

There was once a man of God who loved God alot even to the extent of letting the one he loved go once upon a time. I remembered he once said, "I could compromised with anythg but not God."

Then there came tis ger, who made tis man of God fall. She made him sin against God. Though she's not totalli to blame, but she nv stopped feeling guilty. God has spoken so many times, telling her so many times that she had to stop the man frm sinning and it's alwaz within her capacity, but she alwaz fail. She alwaz chose the flesh above the spirit.

The door was opened for the devil to enter their life. But the ger was lucky. She knew repentance is not just about feeling guilty and sayin sorry. But turning 180 degrees back to God. She knew that though God's grace is there but it never came cheaply, every single grace given was bought back by God's blood. And lk wat God has revealed to her, "Servant who knows his master's will and does not get ready or does not do what his master wants will be beated with many blows.But one who does not know and does things deserving punishment will be beaten with few blows. From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." Yes, the ger and the man are both servant of God who knew what sins are, though God is gracious, but there's no cheap grace in god. If they chose not to turn back to god, they'd need to face the music. Yes, we may fall when we try to turn back to god, but god will alwaz gif us strength to stand up again.

The girl is afraid that the man will think that God is forever gracious, that it's okie to sin. For God gave man a choice, so god will cover all human's sin with grace. But look, God gave Adam and Eve free will, but when they sin, though God is still gracious and clothe them, and sent christ to save the world, but they still were punished. It's never okie to sin especially when we know it.

The girl knew she could stop being a sin in his life. But she's worried that the root of the sin is still in the man and the man will let other aspects of sin enter his life. She's now praying for God to clean his mind. So that he would hand every single sin, past and present to God so that God could gif him strength to overcome them.

The ger do not noe if the man would see her heart, and she does not noe if the man would understand wat she's trying to sae, but the girl juz hand it to God, to make the man see. "Many thgs are impossible with human, but not with God, With God everythg is possible."

Our cold war~~~

2007-01-02T20:23:00.000+08:00

Hmmm... Wat's wif ppl nowadaes... Likes having cold war... I'm not smone who enjoys quarrels... But neither m i the kind who'd succumb to unreasonable ppl... One cold war juz ended 2 weeks ago and another cold war has started... I'm already rather immune to not talking to her... I'm not even tinking of making any attempts to resolve our problems... Dun tink there's a need to pretend to talk to one another even though we're both bu shuang wif one another... Tt has been wat's happening during the past 2 weeks is it not??? Is there even need for hypocrisy???

So my plan now is to minimise conflicts by minimising the amount of physical, verbal and emotional contact... Anyway, guess my life's gonna b q bz given that i'm gonna start giving tuition... And nites when i do not need to give tuition, i shall keep myself bz watching animae or gg to learn guitar... I wan pick up guitar!!!

And plan number 2 is to shift out of the house when i start school... I've absolutely valid reason to shift out of the house given that my school and workplace are both so far frm my house... And given that i'm having nite classes, i predict i'll end school pretty late... In order to ensure sufficient time to study, i'd use it as an excuse to shift out of the house!!! YES!!! I need a personal space and peaceful space where i can lead a life of my own...

I'm trying to re-organise my life this yr... I've kinda decided that i might end up being a spinster... But mayb it's be alrite afterall if i can find sufficient leisure and purposeful activity to do alone... Guess when one grow older, there's more conflicts to overcome in order to find out the ultimate meaning of life...

In the veri beginning, i alwaz tot that life is merely studying, earning loads of money and ultimately getting married and den die... But now, i decided there's more to this... I'm gg to figure out the meaning of life for myself... Else wat's the point of having me on tis earth... Juz another person to fight for oxygen... Well well... Smtimes realli tink life's boring... I can get so damn bored... But still gotta get on wif life... So muz find smthg i enjoy doing... Need to find a work which i'll enjoy so tt i won't dread gg to work...

Well well, sufficient crap... Good bye...

Year 2007

2007-01-01T23:56:00.000+08:00

Hmmm... 1st dae of year 2007 is coming to an end soon... But 2dae hasn't been a great dae afterall... My dae started wif quarrelling with my mum not long after i wake up... Sometimes i realli wonder if i'm already tired of quarrelling wif her and m tired of all her nonsense... If she would not mind i'd juz wan her to noe how to mind her own business... If she hates the wae i act den treat it as i'm juz a tenant not her daughter... Mayb i'll feel happier tis wae... Stop creating agony in my life... I've had enuff of it during my past 22 years of life... And i seriously find myself happier without crappy family whom other than shit, i realli dunnoe how to describe them...

Nevertheless, i went to watch movie, confession of pain wif Mindy and Yee Ling... Hmmm... It's abit complicated at first but feel that the show could be made better if they did not reveal who the killer is at the beginning of the show... There'd be more anticipation then... Overall the show is so so but cos Takeshi is the main lead, the show is veri good... Hahax... But he's not at his best in the show though...

Hmmm... Guess how unlucky can one get, i realised my skirt was stained with blood after the show... Gotta buy new skirt... Waste money... Sigh sigh... Wat an unlucky dae 2dae...

Hopefully though the 1st dae of 2007 did not turn out fantastic, the remaining year would be sweet... Year 2006 has been a sweet and bitter year... But nevertheless, i'm hopeful that year 2007 would be better and i'd be happier than 2006...

Resolution for year 2007:
1) Be happily single
2) Build up a strong and close friendship with Ryan
3) Go back to school
4) Move out of house
5) Stay pretty

Lol... Smile alwaz~~~

Immediate need vs future disaster~~~

2007-01-01T01:40:00.000+08:00

Let me use a analogy to start off regarding my topic for today... Supposed you're very poor and for some reason, you do not have money to eat for 10 days... Would you think of what you would eat 2ml if you do not have the money to eat for the past 10 daes??? The answer would be NO!!! All you would tink of is wat could i afford to eat today...

Let me go into the topic for 2dae... The topic of y i decided to turn to Christ... Seriously, for one last time, i wanna announce tt i did not turn to Christ cos i kanna kong tao or wat lohx... Duh~~~ Who would put kong tao on me??? Who would benefit from me turning to Christ??? Hmmm... Let me see... Ryan benefiting frm me turning to Christ??? Mayb then he can leave me into God's hand and worrie less about me... But real benefit??? Not lk he'll haf any such tt he would put kong tao... Ah Li who brought me to City Harvest??? Tink she's too naive to noe how to put kong tao... And tink me turning to Christ meant she had to spend more time listening to all my nonsense talk... Gershon, my cell grp leader??? Hahax... Wat could he benefit??? Pastor Kong??? Tink to him, onli God's important... Not lk i'm damn rich to contribute to the church aso... I dun mean pastor kong onli lk rich ppl... But not lk my monetory contributions lk my mum is so possesive about is of any significance to the church... There're so many rich businessman out there... Y me???

So at the end of it, i'm juz trying to prove tt noone put kong tao so tt i would turn to christ... But i turn to christ cos of his grace and mercy to even notice a small life lk mine... A creator of heaven and earth, showered me with love when i was at the bottom pit of my life... Everythg in my life was chaotic at that point of time... My love life failed me, i'm totalli not adapted to the working world, my family disappointed me, my frenz are not in singapore else too pre-occupied wif their lives to realli counsel and listen to me... I was at the point of entering into depression... Suicidal tots entered my mind... But God showered me with his love and faithfulness, never letting me go even after i've done so much stupid thgs... He met my need for love at tt time...

He healed my hurt too... Through Christ, i've been strengthened... He gave me promises about my future and helped me see a purpose in what i'm doing at work... He told me he was my comforter so that i could be a comfort to others... That was when i became less disappointed wif my family... Yet my family aren't appreciative... They're realli lacking the wisdom to see the light in my life... The darkness was not smthg which i could dispel... Oh God... Help me...

Anyway, during the down times, it was not my family who came to comfort me... It's the ppl whom God placed around me, lk my cell grp frenz who made sacrifices to ensure i'm alrite... Not even one of my family member ever asked me, "R u feeling better..." All they did were to add salt to my wound and add new wounds to me... Dun you haf the cheek to tell me that my family is treasure in heaven cos when u abandoned me, it's God and my cell group frenz who picked me up... Where were u when i most needed u???

Your abundant grace~~~

2006-12-31T01:05:00.000+08:00

I'm alwaz doing silly and stupid things even though i should not... Sometimes i juz do it to reassure myself that he still loves me... But at the end of everything, caused everyone to be hurt... I m hurt, he is hurt, and most of all i hurt the one who love me most, my heavenly father...

Sometimes i would wonder how abundant God's grace is... Could he tolerate someone like me??? Would he still shower his love and blessing on someone like me??? Someone who takes his grace for granted... Succumb to temptation of the flesh even though i noe is wrong and has the ability to stop it... Even haf time to apologise before making him upset... Haf he forsaken me??? Sometimes i would wonder... But i noe he's alwaz standing there, waiting for me to go back home...

I seriously tot after baptism i'd be veri different... But in the end, i'm still weak, still unable to stand up in face of temptation... But like wat pastor kong has said, strength is not = no failure, but strength = ability to bounce back after failure... This time, i realli wanna haf strength to bounce back and nv look back...

*Wonder how long tis determination can last...

Abba father, I've returned home~~~

2006-12-17T01:48:00.000+08:00

It's really an amazing and indescribable feeling... Many people had said it but i nv understood till i go through it...

I had my baptism 2dae... New name: Athena which means wisdom... Yeah!!! I need God's wisdom... The name itself actually was a name of greek "goddess" in wisdom and warfare... Well, i noe it's wierd... Gettin a greek "goddess" name when it's baptism... Well... I love this name... Cos i wan to be God's Athena... Not lk i wan to be "goddess"... But i wan God's wisdom when it comes to spiritual warfare... I wan to be a powerful and effective warrior for God!!!

Reflecting through the whole list of events which lead to my salvation and my baptism... God's work is really amazing... How can there be so many coincidences if God does not exist??? Well, i'm not being holy, but juz a reflection of my thoughts...

My salvation started indirectly because of ryan.. In fact i need to thank him for indirectly leading me to God... The dae when he left me broken hearted even until 2dae... But god's way is higher den our ways... Yes even though it hurts but it's these series and series of hurts that made me go closer to god and eventually hand my entire heart to god... And in fact,i come to realise that as i was hurt, God is pacing my life such that the hurts could be covered and comforted... I've learnt 1 thg frm these series of events: "The world can hurt you but only the heavenly father will never hurt you cos he love you so much!!!"

2dae i finally came to the father... With the deepest heart, i hand my life into his hands... Before these happens, there was so much struggle in me... So much doubt in me... But father lord made sure everythg was settled before the day of baptism came... When i entered the water,i must admit i realli felt nothing... But after i got out, i felt so happie... And this happiness grow stronger as i reflected on everythg god has done for me... I thank god for the new life he's given me... I know i no longer haf to worry about my troubles cos as long as i keep walking, i'll see light at the end of valley...

Thank you all my frenz who had been there when i'm down... I luv ya guys and i luv jesus... :)

My comforter and light~~~

2006-11-26T16:27:00.000+08:00

Tears flowing down my face,
You said it is precious in your eyes.
You wipe these tears away,
Wanting me to smile bright.

I know with you by my side,
Everything would be alright.
What the world says i care no more,
For you're the king above all.

You are my comforter,
You are my light.
Even if i cry,
I know you're by my side.

Hear my prayers lord,
Answer them with might.

Longing for you~~~

2006-11-16T18:24:00.000+08:00

Reminising the memories you had left,
Not knowing where the future will lead.
Protecting the memories from theft,
Hoping that there'll be more indeed.

Where had you gone to,
When i'm really longing for you?
I'm really losing my cool,
Cos i want to care for you.

Phone which never stop ringing,
But noone to pick the line.
When can i stop singing,
That you're really hard to find.

Feeling encouraged...

2006-10-27T23:53:00.000+08:00

As many if my frenz would probably noe, i'm going through alot of ups and downs in my life... And there're some greatest fear in my life... But 2dae when i was reading the book on "FAITH" by Pastor Phil Pringle, i felt so encouraged...

I was onli at chapter 3 of the book, chapter 1 and 2 are okie... Not 2 bad... But when i was reading chapter 3 on faith and prayer, i felt the "presence of GOD"... And i felt like he was trying to speak to me and tell me things... And after reading, i realli felt super encouraged and i know something good is coming my way...

The best thing that caught my attention in this whole chapter, half of this chapter i mean is how it talks about us having faith and knowing that what you ask for is gonna happen for prayers are meant to be answered... And even if it's not answered now, it's a test of your desire and faith...

Yeah!!! Feeling so happie 2dae... :)

A clean breakoff...

2006-10-26T12:19:00.000+08:00

It dragged for so long... The dae had finally come for us to have a clean breakoff... Cos i noe if i persist, i'd lose him not only as a lover but also as a fren... He'd probably dislike me cos of my irritation... Not onli will i lose him, i'll also lose my sense of self... I knew i've been losing it ever since we broke off...

Yes... I muz admit that it's realli all so painful... Thinking back of the times we spend 2gether... Having each other in each other world so important... Looking back at the past msges and seeing all the gifts he'd given me... It's realli painful to see it coming to an end... I'll cry over and over again but i've to learn to let him go... Afterall, did'nt i wan him to be happie...

I noe he's stubborn... I noe nomatter wat i sae won't change the verdict... I juz pray for his healing and happiness... And pray we'll become close fren... At least even if he's not my bf or husband, he'd still be a specially close fren to me... But somehow i alwaz feel it's not possible to be close fren after u have broken off... But i still wanna try...

Ryan, thanks for all the memories you'd given me... You taught me that true love exist... Even though we have to become frenz again, i pray for our relationship/frenship, to be brought to a higher level...

Immunity

2006-10-24T13:29:00.000+08:00

Well well, how does our body gain immunity to a particular disease??? Through being exposed to that disease again and again, then our body will grow stronger in fighting wif tt kinda disease... And that explains why children are more susceptible to falling sick then adults cos adults are exposed to the disease more times than children...

Well, i guess i've already built an immunity in him... Previously, i keep msging him, hoping that thru dropping him many msges, he's reply at least to one or two... But recently i realised he'd turned his hp to silent mode cos he finds it irritating and he's choose not to reply cos he feels that if he replies i'm gonna sms him more... Sigh... My plan backfired indeed...

M i realli so irritating??? I'm sorry if i m... I guess time has changed... It'd be sweet to rcved sms from ur gf/bf but since we've broken off, all these strt to become a hassle is it not??? Sigh... I sometimes wonder what if i stop smsing you for a whole day or even a whole week, would you even miss me at all... Sigh...

You're gg for a holidae nxt month and i wonder if i'd get a chance to see you b4 tt... I noe priorities have changed for you... So had it for me, juz tt our priorities have changed in a different direction... I'm less significant in your life and u're more significant in mine... Dumb me!!!

Nevertheless, i'm still so horribly hopeless... M so happie tt i chatted wif u last nite.. .Thanx for still giving me such slight happiness once in a while...

My life is so dependent on you~

2006-10-19T19:52:00.000+08:00

i realli din wan my life to turn out this wae... I realli wanted to lead a happie life for you... But it's juz so sad whenever i think of how my joy and my life is dependent on ur smses, every single word you sae and our meeting ups...

I noe u've been veri bz and irritated by ur work these few daes... But i feel so sad when i rcv none smses from u despite me msging you tons of times a dae... I realli feel hurt, forgotten and neglected... I've been finding excuses to cover up all these hurts but ultimately i realised it's not possible to cover them up... I find every single excuse i can get to get abit of ur attention... Even if it means juz 1 msg which sounds so cold... But guess u've already find tt it's a routine for me and no reason for u to entertain...

Whenever i look back at the past msges, tears would still flow dwn my eyes... And i realised i no longer dared to look at them... Yesterdae, i accidentally saw the angel you gave me during our 2nd month 2gether and saw ur msg... I cried lk mad... I realli yearn to go back to those daes... But i noe time won't turn back...

I realised the harder i try to get you back to my side, the further u seem to go awae... And the more paranoid i'd get... I'll strt doing thgs which i'm so afraid tt will make you upset... Even a thg lk writing this blog worries me...

I dunnoe if u're still reading my blog, cos already dunnoe if u're still interested in my life... Have i realli been very much forgotten or have you realli decided to leave me slowly... Nomatter how slow the process is it's still so hurting... For it's nv the speed, nor the quantity, it's how deep the wound would go...

I'm sorrie if u happened to bump into my blog and reading it makes you feel irritated... But i need to ventilate my emotions... Else i tink i'll die... Not lk ventilating my emotions this wae would help... But at least i let it out and i'd feel better for an hour or 2...

My FACTS about LOVE

2006-10-12T23:16:00.000+08:00

LOVE IS AN EMOTION

Love is indeed emotional rather than logical... How can anyone ever use logic to decide if he should start or stop a relationship? Maybe the world can but i cannot... Once i'm in love, nomatter i noe wat might be ahead of me even if it means my death, i think i'll still wan to cling on to it. I'm juz a stubborn girl...

LOVE IS INFLUENTIAL

When you start loving a person, even if the person does not know how to love, she'll gradually learn the love from you. It really happened to me... And once she learns how to love, you'll be the person she love most for it is you who showed her what love is... Even if it is to cost her life, she'd cling on to you with all her life... She could then love other people for she has learnt what love is...

LOVE IS REALLI AN ANTI-DEPRESSANT

Why did i use to think that love is a torturous emotion... It's actualli the opposite... It's an anti-depressant... When you has love, you'll feel that everything in the world does not matter and onli the person you love matter most... YES!!! INDEED, U MEAN MOST TO ME...

LOVE FROM YOU IS THE GREATEST GIFT FROM GOD

GOD has brought you to me to teach me how to trust in love... Through you GOD has also shown me how to love... And most importantly, he brought me to the world's greatest love, the love from GOD...

How can i bear to let you go when love is such a wonderful thing... I'd cry and every single disapproving word you said to me... I tink i'm abit lost, do not noe how to love you anymore le... Loving you too much is wrong, loving you too little is wrong too... GOD, teach me how to love him with rite amt... I juz wan to care...

Who determines your marriage?

2006-09-04T08:36:00.000+08:00

I'm so disgusted yesterdae after i went out with Yeetin... So disgusted to noe wat my family has done... Apparently, the story of the monk has a continuation... Apparently, he told my mum that Ryan is not my yin yuan... My yin yuan would come at a later time... And guess wat my mum did.... She asked for Ryan's name and went to ask GOD in another temple if it's true... And the GOD saes tt indeed Ryan not my yin yuan...

Mayb in future b4 i date she should bring all my bf to ask GOD if they're my yin yuan... So er xin lohx... Is my dad her yin yuan den??? To haf yin yuan lk hers i'd rather not haf... And who is it to determine if it's my yin yuan... I choose my partner for myself... No need ppl to choose for me... For it's my lifetime partner... They can choose their own if they're the one getting married... Pui....

2dae she asked me for Ryan's name again... Dunnoe wat she gg to do again... I feel so sick of my family...

My love preference~

2006-08-23T20:28:00.000+08:00

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Quality Time
with a secondary love language being
Physical Touch.

Complete set of results

Quality Time:		11
Physical Touch:		7
Words of Affirmation:		7
Acts of Service:		4
Receiving Gifts:		1

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

Y would GOD bring u to me and take me awae frm me???

2006-08-22T23:01:00.000+08:00

These few daes has been struggling between trying to let go and emotions of not bearing to let u go... Everytime i read the past smses u've sent to me, i cried... And i strted regretting having to let u go... Until i sit dwn and told myself to GOD tk my burden and decide our path for us...

Somehow, deep in me, i do not believe that GOD is going to tk u awae frm me... I'm awaiting for a miracle to appear... I'm awaiting to sense him so that he can explain to me wat he has been doing.... How can a loving FATHER lk him bring me into ur life when u prayed for me and then tk u out of my life 4 and a half months later... I choose to believe that this a a test he's putting us thru and when he feels that both of us haf become strong enuff he'll bring us 2gether again and perform a miracle to cure u... Mayb by being able to let u go would indicate my growth in strength...

To me, all my above thoughts are optimistic thoughts... I do not know how much i believe in wat i've said above... All i noe is ive to leave my faith in GOD and try to sense GOD cos mayb if i m able to sense him, my faith for him will grow even stronger and he'll be more willing to answer my prayer...

2dae i asked GOD if praying 10 times everydae would allow him to understand my desire for u to haf a good health and for us to be together... And i asked if my prayers would be answered if i pray frequent enuff... Of cos i din pray to him 10 times a dae... But i tink i'd pray whenever i tink of u...

Watever i've said above is not an indication of me not being able to let go... But juz an indication of my optimism... I tink i need to stay optimistic so as to find peace and happiness... Leave GOD to deicide our fate for us but yet do our part by praying and turning to him... U muz aso do ur part... Pray, turn to him and tk good care of urself... If u do not do ur part, den how's he able to perform his...

Seriously, tink i'm still in the process of letting go... Dun even noe if i'm makin any sense in this blog... It's juz statement of all my emotions...

We haf to learn to let go~~~

2006-08-20T09:25:00.000+08:00

It has been a week since our break off has past.... And as usual, there's alot of unknown relationships and grey areas... We keep stepping beyond the boundary cos both of us couldn't bear to let go...

Yesterdae something happened... My mum threatened to kill herself if i dun come home and i was with him... When i reached home, she told me tt a monk told her that disaster would befall on me if i continue to be with him and told me he's no good etc etc etc... I was upset... I dun understand wat he has done to deserve all these humiliation... The onli disaster i could tink of would be me being devastated when he realli leave us for good... And i noe i would be devastated...

So after chatting wif Jean for a long long time yesterdae and tinking thru things carefully, i've finalli decided to let go... And i called him to tell him my decision... We chatted for 3 hrs... I asked him and reconfirm and reconfirm if that is wat he wanted... And he said yes... He told me how he prayed to GOD for a ideal gf and i came along... He accepted everythg about me but juz tt we cannot be together forever... Part of the reason y he chose to let go is cos GOD told him to let me go... Tink GOD is realli tking him awae and does not want me to be hurt... Or GOD has other plans lk he said and we shall juz seat back and watch him perform miracles... I knew i had to leave so that both of us would be hurt less in due time...

Though i decided to let go but it's still a veri difficult process... I'm trying to be like Jean not tink so far and look at the positive side fo thgs... Cos if i tink too far and not look at the positive side of things i'm gonna haf a nervous breakdown...

Now all i hope is if he ever leaves, i hope him happiness... Cos he said he would... He said GOD would tk good care of him... I believe so too... Though i tink i'm spiritually confused... But i'd rather choose to believe that he'd be happie than me not knowing wat would happen... And also, i realised that quality of living is much more important than the duration... It'd hurt me more if he stays by my side but is miserable and gradualli loses his abilities... So i still believe that GOD noes the best for us and would tk good care of us if we leave thgs in his hands...

I tink this blog would shock many ppl... And many ppl would wonder y i choose to believe in GOD when i'm not a christian when they noe me... I guess i can seek comfort in GOD when it comes to this thg... Cos GOD garuntees eternal life and i noe he'd be well taken care of... And onli if i haf faith in GOD and trust in GOD, then will i believe that he'd be happie to leave and we'd meet some dae... It's not lk i'm converting to Christian but i juz wanna seek GOD, c if i can find him... Sense him myself b4 i make any decisions....

A Day At Home~~~

2006-08-14T16:25:00.000+08:00

Was suppose to be at work todae... But when i woke up, my mind in completely blank... I dunnoe wat i'm suppose to do to face my patients... I'm afraid i will break down in the process of treating my patients...

I broke down a couple of times 2dae... But lesser den yesterdae... Does it mean i'm feeling better??? Nahx... I dun realli tink so... I tink i cried lesser because i still hold a hope... I still have my triumph card... And while readng through the materials i've found, i feel taht all hope is not lost... Or mayb it is... Gotta find out more about wat is gg on...

2 bad MC onli 1 dae... Y isn't there a diagnosis called heartache... How long wil the MC of heartache be??? *I wonder* Realli wondering... Okie... I shall cut the crap... No mood to type... Brain aso jam, cannot type... Lol... When wil i return to normal intelligence??? I wonder...

"My love life journey"

2006-08-14T07:07:00.000+08:00

Wanted to blog dwn everythg which i can remember about us being 2gether... My brain has a small storage space and i do not want to forget anythg significant...

30th March 2006: We got together... The process was so miraculous... I knew he love me and he was given green light by my best fren to zhui wo... Deep in me, i knew i'd haf accepted him... So he turned on gear 5... We got 2gether when i was looking at his hand, looking at the lines of his hands... He held my hands and tt's how we got together... My feelings at tt time, i can still remember it quite clearly... I was elated... Realli happy... Yet at the same time feeling q shy... Lol... Spastic...

For the nxt few daes, we met up almost everydae... Doin all sorts of funnie thgs... Lol...

14th April 2006: We were watching a movie "Inside Man"... After the movie, we went to a posh hotel... Westein Stanford 44-06... For ur info, it's the tallest hotel in the world... He knew i love the sea so he booked tt hotel facing the harbour view so tt i can tk a look at the sea... We found somethg to do which bond us... It became somethg which we share whenever we're together alone... (Our secret activity... so i shan't tell u guys wat it is) It was so romantic... I was so touched... On tt dae, i feel lk i'm the most fortunate ger in the world... I feel tt i've found the love i'm seeking for the past 22 years of my life... I knew he's the man of my life... I juz knew it...

30th April 2006: Our 1st month 2gether... I lied to my parents tt i'm gg chalet... I went camping with him... He even did his homework and found a spot at the beach... Beach again... Cos he knew my love for it... On tt nite, he made spaggheti for me... Cos i wanna eat it... Though it taste horrible cos it was cooked using mass tin but i still ate alot cos i'm hungry... Gers in love are hungry gers... He even brought his dvd player and he knew i juz fell in love with harry potter so i was watching it dere... Lol...

30th May: Our 2nd month... We went to Genting and KL 2gether with Li Ping and Ye Hong... We spent most of our time slping in hotel... But i was stil veri happie... Cos i'm wif him... And i knew he love looking at me slping... So i guess the daes went lk i slp and he look... Lol... Of cos he did slp 2... 4 of us squeeze into one hotel room...How lihai we are... This marks our 1st trip...

30th June: Our 3rd month 2gether... But we quarrelled... Cos there're some miscommunication... Cos i din hear tt we'll b gg for dinner so i told my mum i'll be home for dinner... I din explain tt i nv hear cos i dun wan him 2 tink i'm not listening to him and u noe i alwaz blur one lahx... But we wore a qing lu zhuang... Tink he bought from KL... It's super cute... Still haf loads of those photos with me... We spent the afternoon lazing at sentosa, criticising ppl... Lol... But tt dae was realli our big row...

4th month into relationship: I felt he has changed... I wonder is it cos of wat i did during the 3 months... He seem to be more pre-occupied wif other stuffs and spend less time wif me... But i was wrong... I tot he love me no more... But i was deadly wrong... He still love me sooooo much...

30th July 2006: I were suppose to be at chalet... He fetch me from work and we went to chalet... But i wanted to watch world cup... It had been smthg i did wif him though i'm no fan of soccer but i juz wan to share smthg in common with him... We had great fun watching television, chatting, and doing our favorite thg which we alwaz did when we're alone... It gifs us the bonding... Den he had to fetch me to work the nxt dae... Cos if he doesn't, i'll die travelling from bukit batok to changi... But he alwaz gif me a lift so tt dae would nv come, at least not den....

12th August 2006: He told me he has to leave me... He explained the situation to me... I regressed to be child like... I cried, i brawled, i told him i do not wan to be a good ger cos if i be one, he'll leave... But i knew his reasons are valid enuff... I knew he did it for my good... Many ppl may not believe him... May think it's his fault cos i din tell u guys the story... But no point spreading ppl's story ard... At least i do not want to spread it ard... He's the victim of the entire situation... So m i... We're the victims of heaven... A prank tt heaven played on us... I agreed to leave... But i made him spend the nite wif me as my bf... I wan a proper closure wif him... Tink i'm too OT le... We stayed in hotel intercontinental 10-09 cos i wan time alone wif him wif noone else by our side... I cried every now and then in the hotel... I begged him to let me stay by his side... But he insisted on leaving with the sadness which i could nv nv nv haf forgotten... We reviewed everythg which we had done for the past four months... Al the happie time we spent together... I feel lk smtimes i'm realli childish... I even told him abt my dreams of becoming Mrs Chong... Stupid rite... I dunnoe wat to sae... I juz told him alot and alot and alot... How i gave him the 1st massage... And he massaged me too... We did our secret activity for the last time... Last time i'm gg to do tt in my entire life... Cos it'll remind me of him...

13th August 2006: We parted at my hse at 12.30+... We hugged, we kissed, we held each other hands... This parting is so dramatic... I knew we're onli parting physicalli but emotionalli, we'll be with each other... Alwaz alwaz alwaz...

The entire story if anyone noes abt it will feel it's so dramatic... I tot it would onli happen in television programmes and movies... But it happened to me... It made me devastated and yet need to be strong and happie JUZ FOR HIM!!! But cos it made such deep impact in my life, i'll nv forget this short love and life we share... I dun tink i'll ever b able to find anyone to be comparable to him to b in my life...

DEAR DEAR, i noe u'll read my blog... I wanna tell u, i can choose to be happie and strong... But i'll nv choose to forget u and dun love you... U're my dear dear 4ever...

"Loneliness is when are surrounded by ppl but u stil feel alone~~~"

2006-08-05T00:02:00.000+08:00

Hahax... Everytime i come in to read my chatters, i'm bound to be sclded... Hahax... Dearest fren, i'm not blogging cos i'm exhausted... And everytime i come online to blog i alwaz juz complain... Lol...

Since complaining has been my usual style of writing, i shall continue to complain... An update of my recent life... I've finalli finished my 2nd month in CGH... Let me summarise how my stay has been... In general i tink i made enemy wif 1 person... The person is the sister in ward 18... Lol... As if i can be bothered... I hate her and she hates me too... The onli thg tt i'm too careless about is not to tk care of my back... Kanna stabbed on my back a few times... Haix... Not as if it's veri bad but ppl can't understand all i desire is to get past my 3 years in CGH...

As my those in rehab department, i tink i'm still as anti social as ever... Made some friends though... But tink when u made friends, there're bound to be some ppl who dun lk ur character... I tink esp my outspoken character... Hmmm... I'm learning to be selective in things i sae... All these are learning to protect ur own back... My beloved friends who're joining workforce in a couple of months time... Pls learn these, dun learn it the hard wae lk me...

Well well... My life apart from work has been boring... M forced to teach my cousin science.... Not that i have anythg against teaching her but y can't ppl understand tt i'm not motivated to teach her for the following reasons:
1. It is extra workload for me after having so many tuition resulting in me having to drop 1 of my other student whom i enjoy teaching so much...
2. She does not do my work... Sometimes waste my time gg over cos she nv do my work and i can't continue...
3. I'm tired... And i need a life other than teaching her!!!!
4. Not lk her studies is my responsibility...
5. Ppl force me to teach!!! Tt's wat i hate... U get my sucky attitude as a result!!!
If u ppl tink she's so important den 2 bad... Cos i tink if even my mom care abt others more den me, den it juz means tt we'll haf quarrels more often... Can nv understand my mom... Everyone else is more important den her own daughter... I hate this kinda life when i'm inferior to anyone else...

And i tink many ppl tink i'm inferior... Everyone has loads of priority in life and i seem to be no where in their priority... Everythg can cut queue and i juz forever haf 2 queue... My life is full of waiting... The moment i wake up i strt waiting... Til the time my dae ends... If u all haf so many priority and i'm not one of dem, let me go... Shut ur mouth up and go to ur priority... Dun hold on to me and dictate my life!!! My life is not meant to wait!!! AND I HATE HAVING TO WAIT JUZ TO GET THE BIT OF PATHETIC ATTENTION!!!

I can tell u, i seriously hate my life now!!!

Wat more do i haf to sae???

2006-06-01T00:14:00.000+08:00

Hmmm... So long haven posted... Decided to post again... Haven even annunced tt I've finally and miraculously passed my exam wif flying colours until my family members doubt if i'm the on taking the exam... Haha... My mother keep pestering me to ask if it's true and my bro even worse... Ask me if i wrote my name on someone else's paper... But i m realli glad tt i did so well even though i din realli understood y... I did well enuff to allow me to do honors if i want to (Though i realli haven think it through)...

Oh yar... I haven even mentioned in my blog tt i'm attached... But y is it tt in this entry when i introduced him to anyone who read my blog i haf to sae tt i find loving someone realli difficult... Mayb our honeymoon dating is over... But y is it tt i haf to feel so sucky... Y is it tt he muz make me feel so sad... Din he sae he wan to protect me but why is it tt he's the one who make me tear and cry??? Y are guys all the same??? Y is he juz lk other guy, when i tot of him to be different??? Haix... Hate it tt i've to go thru this feeling again... Can't u all let me haf a breathing space... I'm realli tired...

Hope i din scare any of my frenz... Dun worrie... I'll be fine... I'm strong... Dark clouds will leave soon... Tink i juz pre-work depression...

Oh... Talking abt work... How can anyone be as unlucky as me... I was complaining tt i dun wan to do hands anymore during my placement and i got to noe tt my 1st rotation in CGH would be in hands... Arghx... Kill me manx... How can i be in such down luck... Haix... Hope tt i would survive this 9 months ba... Sobs sobs...

Dictating my own life~

2006-05-12T00:30:00.000+08:00

Haven been blogging for a very long time. Have been very tired to blog even though alot of things happened to me for the past few weeks or even month maybe. I dun even feel lk updating everythg cos now i've got an extremely strong emotion.

How difficult is it to juggle between frenz and love. I alwaz understood during my past relationships cos i alwaz chose my frenz over my bf. And we alwaz end up walking our own paths. But suprisingly life's unpredictable and things keep changing. This time ppl who dun understand wat is wan is not my bf but rather my frenz. Feeling of disappointment is inevitable de ba, when your fren tell you got ur bf pei you do this can le lohx, got ur bf pei u do tt can le lohx. WTF!!! Without my bf den i need fren de meh??? Got bf le den no need fren le lahx. I can be tt kinda person if u wan me 2. I got bf or no bf i can aso live without fren de. Not lk i nv try b4. If ppl forces me to i'll juz adapt my life and live my life lohx. No big deal de mahx. Human will survive given all sorts of circumstances. Tt's wat make human stronger.

Watever, if this blog offends anyone. I'm juz damn irritated now. Feel super disappointed wif frenz smtimes. Wonder if it's realli possible to haf frenz for life. It takes two hands to clap. If u decided to withdraw ur hand there's nthg i can do de. I'll dictate my own life. No need other ppl to dictate it for me~

Exams are stepping stone to sense of incompetency~

2006-03-22T06:29:00.000+08:00

I seriously think that exams are stepping stones for me to feel a sense of incompetency... Do i really haf warped expectations of myself??? I realli wonder... Y is it that after every single exam i must wonder if i'm really having a sound clinical reasoning to be a clinician... Everyone feels i m good therapist but i seriously dun see myself anywhere near the demarkation... If i hate to be compared to the bad therpist, i bet the good therapist would be insulted to be compared to me as well...

Well well, i'm seriously keeping my finger cross and hoping against all odds that i won't fail my semester... I realli felt so shitty yesterdae... I had work rehabilitation yesterdae and i can tell u it was a total screwed up...Upon some reflection, i realise i'm realli a slow thinker...I hate exams cos there is'nt plenty of time for me to think, digest before i make a decision... I din noe how to do question 1 which cost me 3o marks even though i wrote some craps which i totalli does not noe if it's realli the wae i interpreted it.... Den the stupid me onli noe how to do the 2nd question but not as if i'll score full 40 marks for it... Den the third question... It is seriously not so tough... But i din haf time to complete 3b which cos me ard 20 marks... Den 3a was screwed up by me... By me horrible clinical reasoning... Though i alwaz sae tt it's alwaz cos of all these mistakes tt i forever remember these facts but i realli think there is not a need for me to pay such a high price... As i was reflecting about it, i realised wat i did yesterdae was purely to write results with minimal interpretation... I wonder if my interpretation was even rite... And wrst of all, i made a conclusion without investigating the temperaments... Ah!!! Made a wrong recommendation... Wat the hell... Kill me pls~~~

Haix.... And to make things worse, i was trying to figure out wat diagnosis the reduce energy patient had and i nearly vomitted blood and die cos i realli dunnoe... End up having to juz search for mateirals based on my gut feel... Ahhh~~~ So i dunnoe if i'll die later... I'm juz keeping my finger veri crossed... Cos i tink i screwed up my paper 1... Don't wan to screw up my third jump again... Haix...

Feeling an overall sense of incompetency as usual....

Hands again~

2006-03-17T15:30:00.000+08:00

Oh... The placement for 3C is out... The intelligent me who chose to ren ming to watever is given to me feel lk fainiting upon hearing where i would be going for my placement... Well well, here i come NUH hands... Although Hwee Lan is trying to request for me to observe the psychiatric wards too, but i really feel lk fainitng... Arghx...

Firstly, i'm bad in hands... Realli forgot every single bit about hands already since it's lk year 2's work... The anatomy is already chucked at the innest side of my brain and is unretrievable... And dun mention the most hated activity of all... Splinting... You realli cannot imagine how much i hated splinting... Lk i alwaz sae, hands is about the gfit to work there... It's so specialised... If u're not good at it, then that's really too bad... Though i should not allow self-fulfilling prophecy to work on myself, but i realli tink i'm bad at it...

I would be going wif Noel anyway... How i wish my partner would be someone i feel more comfortable wif... At least it'd be easier to approach the person to tell him that i wanna practice splinting and ask if he/she got the time to spare me so that i can practice on the person and most importantly, if i wanna slack but look proactive, splinting is the best activitiy to do.... Hahax...

I got a feeling tt we'd be sharing a supervisor... I realli hate that... Cos sharing a supervisor would mean decrease in attention from the supervisor and supervisor love comparing students don't they... Y do they wan to compare??? Aren't OT suppose to understand tt each human is unique??? Since we're unique we're sure to be good in different areas and i dun even think i'm good... Well well... Xian...

Despite everythg bad, i still could think of sm good thgs abt being in hands... At least i would be familiar with the modalities and i won't be horribly blur when i gotta go for hands rotation in CGH...

Life is a load of rubbish... juz lk wat i did to my reduced energy paper... It was a load of crap... all i could sae was i was stunned looking at the paper even though i managed to crap my way out... Feel lk killing myself... Hahax... Hopefully i can at least do not bad for this paper... Haix... I realised the most screwed up question was the last one cos i've got no mroe time to reflect on wat i dunnoe and wat i wanna learn... Arghx... How to reflect when i onli had 9 min left for tt question... Haix... So... All i could sae is keep my fingers cross and pray... Well well...

Role transition difficulty

2006-03-03T00:33:00.000+08:00

At many parts of our lives, role transition would take place... For instance, we transit from play role to student role when we enter kindergarten... And i remembered the 1st thing i learnt to do at kindergarten was to cry for my mama... Den from kindergarten where your student role is not so strong, you transit to primary school and then to secondary school when you spend half your day in school... I remembered i was cursing and swearing about how i would miss all the morning cartoons when i was in morning session and complaining how i would miss the 3pm show when i was in afternoon session... Den the day comes when i would miss both morning and afternoon programme cos i spend almost my whole morning and afternoon in school juz like working adults during my JC and poly years... But the onli lucky thg which i could think of is tt there's still many breaks in between and we have short days and holidays to look forward to...

As demonstrated above, transition in role often involve giving up many of your usual habits... And i must admit, i'm never a adaptable person during role transition... Many of the role transition to me is a traumatic experience....

Here in a few months time, i would be taking another major turn in my life when i transit from student to worker role... No more supervision... More autonomy and responsibility and comes together with more stresses... Joining CGH would definitely be the last thing i have in mind... I dun exactly lk the politics experienced in the centre... But definitely i haf no choice but to blend into it... Well well, initialli i still tot at least i got a nice inpatient head... But everythg turn out otherwise... Cos the nice inpatient head has tendered her resignation... It was realli a mix feeling when i received the news... On one hand i was realli happy for her as she found better job prospect... But on the other hand i was veri sad cos i realli dun noe what the new inpatient head would be like...

Well well... Let's juz all hope for the best....

Everyone has a story to tell...

2006-02-27T12:49:00.000+08:00

Everyone has a story to tell... So do i... Juz tt my experiece made me realise that there's no prince on earth so the princess will never live happily ever after, or rather i'll nv find tt prince...

My story has been made up of all my past experiences since i 1st haf memory... My story is painted with dark base and bright colours trying to cover up the dark base colour... But nomatter how hard i try to cover these base colours, i could still see my bright colours tinted with the dark base...

I've been wearing these stories on my face but juz tt people chose to see the superficial side of me...

Now my story has stagnated cos i choose to let it stand still... I do not wan to add anymore colours to my story... I refuse to try anymore... Mayb i'm juz waiting... Waiting for someone... Someone who can join me as the writer of my story and prove to me tt bright colours could cover all the dark base colour on my book and that the ending of my book could be re-written...

Let me know more about myself

2006-02-17T00:11:00.000+08:00

Please visit the following webbie and fill up my johari window... :)

http://kevan.org/johari?name=Si+Ling+aka+Serene

To view results, go to:
http://kevan.org/johari?view=Si+Ling+aka+Serene

V Dae

2006-02-16T20:31:00.000+08:00

Okie... A veri delayed post... But this would haf shown u how non-excited i m abt this dae even though many ppl would think tt it's special... Well well... It's realli juz another dae isn't it???

For ppl who're unattached, even though it's also a friendship dae but it's so irritating to go onto the streets to see onli couples everywhere and a few souls like urself hanging out wif frens... For ppl who're attached, y dun u guys celebrate chinese valentine's dae??? Wat so special about 14th Febrary??? It's juz another dae is it not??? Stop congesting the roads and shopping malls and movie theatres... The singles need a life on tt dae 2...

Well well, for me being unattached and refuse to date any one, i've decided to juz stay in sch to complete my project... And den i jzu came home and continue doing my project at home... Wat a great wae to spend ur valentine... But i got afew valentine msgs from my fren though... But still, it's juz a boring dae...

*P.s. Juz trying to promote A*Mei's new cd again... Do buy her new album because i realli think it's q nice...
And stupid Li Ping stop doing things against my law...

They've started to haunt me...

2006-02-14T02:53:00.000+08:00

Y m i still up in the middle of the nite? Cos i could not fall aslp...Veri tired though, head aching like nobody's business but still can't get the slp...

Triggering factor? It's all cos of my brother telling me that April from CGH called todae... Arghx... They've decided to haunt me even b4 i end my exams... I realli think i've got pre-work stress and anxiety... Juz CGH calling me has resulted in insomnia... Ahhh...

I'm suppose to call dem back 2ml... Wonder what she'll tell me... Will my plea to strt work later be accepted??? I realli feel as if i'll be dying... Haix... Y the hell m i bonded in the first place???

Another war strted...

2006-02-04T00:39:00.000+08:00

I had another war wif my mum 2dae when i reach hm... The topic of the dae was "alwaz tell u gers shldn't come home 2 late u dun listen... Dun make me angry, i'll change the lock and shall wait for police to come so tt everyone will noe... Wat if u met wif a rapist..."

Conclusion i wanna draw from the above statement... 1stly, the whole world is nto filled wif rapist... All the gers whom i saw on train 2dae weren't rape are they??? Rapes happen in the morning 2 so shld i stay at home whole dae??? Wat if the rapist break into my house??? Duh~ Dun be lame can... If there's a problem, try to solve it... In this case elarn to self protect... Avoiding it does not prevent the problem from happening...

Secondly, i dun foresee myself telling my family even if i'm rape one dae... I can foresee what they'll sae... "See! ask u dun come hm so late already... See wat happen now..." Instead of getting support, i'll be reprimanded... Adn i'm sure she'll use this as an excuse for me to stay at hm in future... C wat a non-supportive family can do to me... Hmmm... Nv over my dead body will they find out... unless i die!!!

Thirdly, if one dae the lock is change, the police won't come... Cos i'll juz call my fren and tell her i go to her house 2 stay... I dunnoe is it she dun understand me well enuff or did she tink of me as an idiot... I'll come hm grab sm clothes and i'll move out... U do smthg horrible 2 me i'll not forgive u one lohx... U wanna shame me??? Fat hopes... I dun even need to depend on u anymore.... Dun cry and try 2 look 4 me... It's not lk i lose my mum... Be prepared to lose ur daughter if u do tt...

Anyway, all ur sclding doesn't work anymore... I've grown to the age tt sclding no longer works because i've formed my own self-identity and i've my own values and believe system which i'll uphold nomatter wat... So dun tink u can change my juz by sclding me... U're juz pushing me awae and making me more sure tt i'll move out asap and get out of ur mo zhang... Try not to come home too often... Parents dun understand do they???

Though my frenz sae tt i may become lk my mum when i haf my own daughter... Though i dun deny tt there's the possiblity, i'd rather not haf children if i've to turn lidat... I dun wan my daughter to hate me... Self reflection is important... Actualli one shld not hold on to child too much... When the child is already 21... What they need is not instructions... Wat they need is juz support... Provide them wif the environment where they can explore with support... Odering dem ard dun help!!! Wat fools adults make!!!

seekign self acceptance

2006-02-02T23:39:00.000+08:00

Well... As the topic itself haf explained, recently alot of thgs happened in my life and i strt wondering if i've been a veri irritating person who gets on everyone's nerve... M i over sensitive or wat... Hmmm... But i smtimes do find myself extremely inappropriate... I tink i do need some social skills training ba....

But come to think of it, different people haf different character... Maybe my character and personality is those crazy and easily agitated type... Not a character that's veri easy to accept is it??? I just laugh happily even though i shld not... Well, my laffing genes are not within my control lahx... It's juz somethg very wrong wif my frontal lobe... No inhibition... Diaoz... Hmmm...

Y do i haf to suit the culture of the world anywae.... Living a life not being urself is difficult isn't it??? Even if i'm deviant, eccentric, irritating and not veri well liked but it all doesn't matter as much rite... I can't make everyone happie... What i can do is to accept myself and be grateful to ppl who appreciates me as who i m...

Lalala... This's another crappy entry... Been crapping out all my emotions recently... Mayb cos my work too bz le... So bz till i strt regressng, showing signs of craziness... Haix... How??? Wat can i do... Hmmm... I need to ventilate!!!

3 daes of CNY

2006-02-01T00:58:00.002+08:00

As i've expected, my CNY won't be the nicest CNY i have... It won't be the most memorable experience either... Well well... On the 1st dae of CNY i was totally pissed off by the adults ridiculous-ity, if there's such a word... Well... It's as though if u dun c Happy new yr to dem they'll be suay for the rest of the year lidat... Do i have such miraculous power??? Y don't i noe...

As i alwaz sae i'm alwaz the passive person... Being passive in many thgs i do... Including saying happy new year... If u wan u can juz sae happy new yr to me and i definitely will wish u back... Wat makes the adults think tt if the youngster dun greet the more senior ppl happy chinese new year means tt they're rude??? Duh~ They're all ass... As i sae if u're gonna be suay juz cos i din sae happy CNY 2 u den 2 bad u shall b suay... Hump...

Well enuff of all the unhappy crapz... But this yr is the 1st time i gambled throughout the 3 daes of chinese new year... I tink all of us are juz suddenyl bored by the idea tt we do not have much leisure during new year... My aunt actually proposed to play "ba luk"... Well, the happy me of cos juz joined in... But cos we play super small, onli $0.10 per game so in the end my net profit was $0.50, which i decided to gif it up...

2nd dae of CNY my gambling strted in the noon at LP's house wif Lp and her bro and his gf... Well, i tink lk wat Lp sae lahx her bro tried to entertain me by suaning me... I dun haf anythg against tt lahx... I can tk jokes wor... Hahax... But i lsot lahx... Tink Lp bro ke wo... Sobs... but din lose much... Onli lost $3.30... Hex...

2dae was my best winning of this new year... Won $5.10... All thanks to my 2 sets of 5 tai... Hahax... Poor Chi... She yi jia shu san jia... But luckily A sam help her pay some i tink... At least not too much... Hmmm... It was fun lohx... Hmmm...

However, 2dae when we were at Yong Zhi's house, ppl strt discussing about getting married... I tink everyone of us haf grown old le... Reach the point of discussing such issue... Though i've nthg against it but i juz tink tt i'm realli q evil... Whenever we talk abt LP bf to be i'll alwaz be so sarcastic... Y can't i gif her my blessings??? Cos i'm worried history will repeat itself... Hmmm... I'm juz worried tt i'll be left alone again... Though i tink i've learnt not to depend on others anymore... Veri stupidly, how can i be jealous of him... Hmmm... It's 2 different status... Well well... I dunnoe wat i tokin aso... But it's juz tt i hope i can gif dem my blessings one dae and stop being such an ass... But feelings cannot be controlled... Haix...

Lunar new yr eve

2006-01-28T13:01:00.000+08:00

Wao... Another CNY is coming sooooooo soon... But y m i not at all least bit of excited??? Cos i dun lk my new clothes??? Cos i feel quite sick of new yr??? Cos i juz wanna laze ard at hm and refuse to go out of house??? Cos i dun wanna c ppl i dun lk to see??? Cos i tink new yr is pointless??? Cos cos cos...

Hmmm... I was looking at my bedroom juz now... Onli 1 word to describe... Dirty... 2ml is new yr and i tink my house is in a horrid mess... Cos horribly dirty... AHHHH!!!! Hmmm... Shall be a good girl and do some spring cleaning... Well, later gg for lunar new yr reunion dinner... Haven put on my nail polish... Tink i'll do last minute da ban 2nite ba... So reunion dinner i shall be in my worst off look... Anyway, it's suppose to be the last dae of the yr... No need look so nice... HAhax...

Oh well... I wonder wat kind of holidae i'll be having... Having so much thgs on hand to complete... Ahhhh!!! Lecturer's are all heartless... Gif us so much assignments to do... Actualli not alot of assignments but all my assignments as wat HB alwaz sae needs os much time to "ferment"... So much reading up to do and the lazy and slow me... Haix.... How to finish reading... I hope there'll be some good soul to help me do...

Oh... Next wed i'm suppose to submit my CV but i'm clueless about how to write it... Y is my Cv imp at this point of time... Please leh... I dun need a CV cos i'm gg to CGH for good... And i still haven decided if i'm gonna stay there for good... Though i highly doubt it... Hahax...

Okie... I shall eb a good ger now and change my bedsheet den vacuum plus mop floor... I finalli cannot stand my house anymroe... Hahax...

Disrupted slp wake cycle...

2006-01-19T00:37:00.000+08:00

My brain's cranky all rite... i juz noe it is... I've been having a veri disrupted seep-wake cycke recetly... I dunnoe y i was so tired when i reach hm juz now and fell aslp... And i woke up at 10pm and now cannot get 2 slp... Hey... It's in the middle of the nite already... Arghx...

I tink i sense myself falling sick 2dae... Having a headache, or rather a maigraine these few daes... My slp din help in curing it either... Lk wat i told Joanna i wonder if there's any malignant growth in my brain manx... Hahax.. .Sorry i veri duh... But my throat strt to hurt too... Wonder if it's cos of my oreo biscuits which i refuse to stop eatign these few daes... Ahhh~ i shan't fall sick during new year... I had an eperience of fallign sick during new year and u can't imagine how irritating it can be to haf to travel ard and talk to people when u're feeling so unwell...

Hmmm... Anyway, my class is planning for a reunion dinner o next Fri... Q excited abt it... It has been veri long since we had any class outing... Or did we even haf one... Hmmm... This's afterall the last semester le... In afew months time, many of my frenz would haf left Singapore for their degree conversion... And i would be stuck in CGh... Our lives would take another turn from here... I tink probably onli afew of us would keep in contact while the rest of us would probably juz walk our own wae and lead our own lives... As i alwaz sae some people are juz passer by who leaves little footprint in ur heart while others stay in your lives...

I guess i've turned into an adult, having to tk the responsibilities of an adult, before i'm ready for it... I muz realli sae tt i'm not at all into turning into an adult... How i wish i can remain a child for the next few years until i'm ready to tk up the responsibilities though i wonder if tt dae will arrive... Hmmm...

Anyway, i tink there's this nagging misses for A*Mei's song... Tink i realli waited for so long le... My life's running out of music which i love... Oh my... I hope she'll coemt o Singapore to xuan chuan aso... Lidat den i can c her again... Hahax... I'm bored alrite... No mood to study at all... Diao... I've been slacking daily despite this nagging voice tt urges me to put in mroe effort... Haix...

In the middle of the nite...

2006-01-17T02:08:00.000+08:00

Y m i up in the middle of the nite when everyone is slping??? It beats me... I slpt at ard 7pm this evening while i was revising my work... Books are as usual the best slping pill you can have...

The usually sleepy me who values slp more than anythg else surprisingly felt so awake after waking up ard 1+... Hmmm... It's onli 6 hrs of slp... How can i feel satisfied over 6 hours of slp.... I bet i'll slp smmore later... Shld i den wake up earlier to go to library to search for related information for the many projects which i haf??? Hmmm...

Befor i can go back to the library, i shld try to figure out where are the books i wan located... But guess wat i realised??? Most of the books are borrowed and many are reserved too... Can i manage to get these books in time... Oh no!!! Wanna die already... Arghx... Tt's the result of tinking tt u're the onli student in sch is it not... Haix... Well well... Shall try to reserve and hope tt i get the books i wan den...

Friday the 13th

2006-01-13T16:07:00.000+08:00

I can tell you... 2dae is Fridae the 13th and this is the 1st Friday the 13th that i feel that i'm so unlucky... Not exactly sae veri unlucky lahx... But my fren keep reminding me tt it's Fri the 13th till i realli believe that all the mishap tt happens to me is due to this... Hahax...

Well... My dae strted at 9am this morning (supposedly with my OTP lecture)... But guess wat... My lecturer 4got all abt it... According to the other lecturer... Well they're juz so messy... Changing lecturers here and there... Arghx... I was so tired this morning... Wanted to slp more... Need another few hours of sleep but i chose attend my lesson instead of slping, not cos i value sch work but rather cos if i dun attend my lesson i may be barred from exam (not as if this module haf exam), and they decided to cheat me and tell me we need to make up on another dae!!!! How irresponsible can lecturers be??? I'm realli paying my school fees and not miscellenous fee (Though the govenrment did subsidise us heavily)!!!

Nevermind... But due to my lack of sleep, i tink i'm lk a blind person when i move about... Keep knocking into thgs... I tink i'm now bruised all over... ARghx... Nvm... I'm strong... Hahax...

But tt's not the end of the story... I tried to be a hardworking ger to do my FYP project... But heaven is just against me for everything i do today... I was chased out of the computer lab because those stupid lecturers have lessons... I wonder if the sch tinks that lecturers are alwaz more superior den students and wat they do are alwaz more important... Duh~ I must once again emphasize that i do pay school fee... And worst of all almost all computers are being used... And after alot of hardwork, i finally found a computer in the library for use...

That's all for the unlucky events for now... But i wonder what more would come... Would the prata shop tt i'm gg to eat at be closed??? Or would i quarrel wif my fren??? Or would some even more disastrous thg happen??? CHOY~~~ Stop cursing myself!!!

Yeah~ New Template

2006-01-13T00:45:00.000+08:00

Hmmm... Dine xactly lk the wae my old template turned out so changed my template again... Tt's the beauty of learning how to do funnie thgs lk this... This's a meaningful occupation for me once again... Cheers to the engagement in occupation... Diao... But i muz comment tt this new template the size of teh display is q small... Can someone teach me how to make i bigger? I cannot find the measurement leh... Shall go fan XJ or Jojo one of these daes... Hahax...

Oh... 2dae is a bz dae... My dae strted at 10+ with my FYP den attended lesson until 3+... Went to Tamplines in hope of finding Tamagotchi... Hex... Me and Jojo is strting to craze over the long out-dated Tamagothi again... But din manage to find any in Toy's arus (Tink spell wrong lahx)... Hmmm... Abit disappointed i muz admit... R we realli so bored joanna??? Hahax...

Oh anyway, my dae is suppose to end wif tuition den i'm back home... But of cos thgs din end so soon... I gotta rush to post my discussion on the forum... Ahhh!!! So cracking my head to answer ppl's post and get my post onto the forum... Hmmm... And finalli i haf time to do wat i considered purposeful occupation which is to edit my blog and finalli crap in my blog again... Hahax.... Yeah~ Cheers to Serene... Hahax... I'm gg crazy le...

Anyway, i'm q happie cos i'll b gg to NUS there for cheese prata 2ml... It's juz my craze lahx... I haven eaten it for veri long already... Ever since i broke up wif Jul... I realli muz admit tt while we're together i'll haf the chance to enjoy alot of good food... Cos we're all eaters... Hahax...

Okie... It's late le... 2ml still got classess at 9... Waste of my life... Bye folks...

Yeah~ I learnt smthg new...

2006-01-11T14:35:00.000+08:00

Yeah... As all my frenz noe i'm an IT idiot ever since the birth of me... Hahax... So i nv tried to learn any IT stuffs lk html etc etc etc... But i make a breakthrough 2dae!!!

I was suppose to be posting in my discussion forum on some funnie reflection about technologies... Let me do a brainstorm here since i'm talking about IT... Well, IT isplaying an increasingly imortant role in my life... But apparently my mother dun understands this cos she's born in the technology-less era...

Firstly, let's talk about hp... It's a technology that's becoming increasing common... I onli got my 1st hp in sec1 and it's cos i won a hp contract... But children nowadaes get theirs as small as pri sch or even earlier... So hao ming... And please note i've nv bug my mum to uy hp for me... I alwaz use my own savings and moarn over the fact tt i'm broke after tt... Hahax...

Oh let me come to the point of why hp is so important to me... The veri late me is alwaz late... So to avoid ppl waitin lk mad which ppl alwaz end up doing, we need to communicate via hp to tell them tt i'm late and where i m (instead of leaving ppl to wait till eternity) and finally to advise them to go shopping 1st... Hahax... I remember i was less unpunctual when i dun haf a hp cos ppl cannot contact me... Hahax... Oh... Is that the negative side of hp... Okie... But tt's not all... During the boring lectures that seems to go on forever, which i alwaz tink is a waste of my life, hp comes into play cos u can sms ur frens and lament about what you're going thru... Hahax... Though i tink by concentrating on wat the lecturers saes mean i can understand my work better... Hahax... So there's alwaz 2 sides to the coins...

And then let's talk baout computers... Computer is important for me cos no matter is it my work and productivity or my leisure, i need computer!!! But my mum dun understand and keeps nagging me to shut the comp... Computer is needed for a balance lifestyle... Everythg in NYP is now e-learning... So this means i dunnoe haf how much to access (as though i realli does)... Hahax... But for leisure it's so important... I need to blog, play maple story and watch vcd... Doesn't it explains enuff of why computer is important?

Hahax... Oh anyway, i've learnt to change blogskin and update my profile and add tagboard and etc etc etc... The list goes on... I shall strt changing my blogskin every now and den... Yeah... Veri happie... It's an achievement for an IT idiot to succeed in learning IT stuff.. I tink it explains the achievement patients felt when they occupations themselves... This explains the importance of occupations...

Anyway today is OT dae... So happie OT dae... Ahhh... Need to leave cos lessons gonna strt... Shall strt blogging later... Hahax...

I noe i need to be academically more productive... But...

2006-01-07T15:55:00.000+08:00

The 1st week of sch has ended... Well well... We onli haf short 10 academic weeks this sem... So our beloved lecturers din fail to waste any singel second and strted on full zoom lectures and tutorials... Many tutorials are mainly focused on revision, trying to prove to us tt we've forgotten all the thgs tot previously and we'll die!!! Hahax...

Well well... I realise i've got lotsa thgs tt i'm suppose to complete by mon but looking at the amout of thgs i haf done, i'm sure i won't be able to finish dem.. Let me juz prioritise, must finish my data entry 1st!!! Den i shall go read the OTTP articles... I smhow tink tt the OTTP model module is out to inspire us, thoug i'm not sure how successful it'll be but the articles are q interesting... So i shall spend abit of time reading it...

Oh, we haf got new projects again... Well well... I managed to hide my emotions well i guess but i've got my disappointment and sadness when the groups are formed... I realli tot tt i shld tk a break from working in groups... This's necessary to prevent conflicts... Since i can't change wat's decided i shall make do wif it and try my best to ignore... Hmmm...

Well well... I shall continue trying hard to complete my data entry and play maple at the same time... Wahahax... Horrible me... But data entry realli juz sux...

The dae b4 my sch strt...

2006-01-02T23:50:00.000+08:00

In another 14 hr 2 min time, it'll mark the strt of my first lesson for year 3 semester 2... Wat's tt lesson... Erm... I obviously dunnoe cos i haven haf a good look at my time-table... But i dun tink there's realli a need to look at time-table for 2ml... Cos i'll probably juz bring my fool-scap pad to copy thgs dwn if necessary... 1st dae afterall... No notes to bring there... Wahahx...

Erm... Y m i laffing so happily... I actualli feel q sad... Cos i'm still tinking of slacking and playing... Totalli not in the miood for sch... As if it's within my control... Life's juz so sucky cos u can't even control ur own life... Haix... No human rights in Singapore... Hahax...

Oh... I spent my last dae of holidae at Chinatown... Was supposed to meet Jojo & gang in the morning but kanna put aeroplane... So i juz happily watch tv at home, put nail polish and slack until i meet Li Ping & gang @ Chinatown in the evening for Liping's bdae... We went to eat the porridge in CHinatown which could hardly feel me... Den we went to eat Swensens ice-cream and chat there for a veri long time...

Topic of the dae:" How did you and your bf get together"... Hahax... Tink we realli bo liao lahx... But the me without any bf or any potential juz xing shang ppl's lang man gu shi can crack lame jokes lohx.... As usual...

Actualli i've nthg much to blog 2dae... But since i'm online decided to juz crap... Okie... Tt's all folks...

Hmmm... It'll be new yr's eve 2ml...

2005-12-30T23:48:00.000+08:00

Time realli fly... I realli din noe tt new year is around the corner... I'm juz living one dae by one dae as dae pass... So horrible of me... Hex... Saw Eliz blog on new year's resolution... Hahax... I tink new year comes 2 fast b4 i even decide on any resolution... But i tink i'll nv fulfil my new year's resolution... So y bother to make... Hmmm... Let me juz tink... Wat kinda resolution do i haf for next year... Hmmm...
1. Continue to survive in NYP
2. Pass my written and competency test before i join CGH next year, else i'll be out of job...
3. Be motivated about OT and like my job when i'm at CGH
4. SOCIALISE with ppl in CGH so tt i won't be labeled "aloof"!!!
5. Lose some weight
6. Save money!!! Else i'll be stuck with a diploma forever!!!
7. Find a boyfriend??? Hahax... This's juz for laff...

Oh... Finish of crap... Tiem to talk about wat happened to me... Yesterdae i did a veri dumb thg!!! I happily mass email everyone on my email list, probably all my fren would haf received the email, regarding the tsunami girl. I actualli did not wan to forward it, firstly cos i'm lazy and secondly cos i dunnoe if it's true. But out of my compassionate and loving heart, i decided that ling ke xin qi you bu ke xin qi wu. Anyway, emailing does not tk a lot of time cos i can click send to everyone, which is wat i did. But i happily 4got tt my lecturer's email address are inside... And the dumb me happily send this dumb mail to my lecturers as well. But that's not all. My "beloved" OT manager who saw my email happily remembered me all of the sudden, after forgetting that Serene existed for the past few months. So his reply is as follow:

"Hi Serene, Merry Christmas. Your e-mail prompted me to follow up on what we talked about the last time, that we should talk again. If you feel like it, we can meet - not so much as the head of OT to student but rather as colleague to future colleague. We can make a time when you are back at school. "

Wat i did suddenly prompted me y i became an O cos i've got the gifted power to provide sufficient stimulation to make a person who's forgotten about smthg remember it all over again. Oh well, i'm laming... But i realli feel lk killing myself... Cos me and Dor was still discussing abt it the other dae and we concluded tt he's probably haf forgotten... Can i sabo Dor as well??? Hahax... Bet she'll skin me alive... Hahax...

So wat m i suppose to tok to him about??? To feign how passionate i m abt OT when i tink i'm more of lk: "Watever lahx... It earns me money" or shld i tell him how i dread the fact tt i'm strting work in 6 months time and ask him to fail me so tt i can continue to be in NYP or tell him how confused NYP lecturers has been and tt i realli hate NYP more... Everythg contradicts isn't it... How can i ask him to let me stay in sch when i hate NYP more and more... But how can i strt work when i dun fee lk it... Hahax... Well well... Thgs are all beyond our control...

Enuff of my dumb mistake... 2dae I met up wif Mandy... Went to her house and she brought Isa along... I've got absolutely no problems with having mroe ppl at her house though i'm both anti-social and aloof... Hahax... Oh... Nv knew Mandy is staying in a condo... Hmmm... Tink her family q rich ba... At least i tink ppl who stay in a condo muz be q well-to-do one lahx... Tt's y i'm 4ever stuck in a 3 room HDB flat... Hahax... Oh anyway, we basically juz rot lahx... And talk to Isa abit... And i had a change of opinion about her... When i was a student at TTSH, i tot she was q fierce... Mayb cos tt time she q pek cek and stress lahx... But 2dae when i saw her, i muz sae she's q a nice person lohx... Veri nice to chat and crap with... Hmmm... So dun judge a book by it's cover... Hex...

Okie... Abt time to slp le.. 2ml i still muz wake up veri early wor... Hahax...

Boring Dae..

2005-12-29T12:04:00.000+08:00

It's finalli a dae where i can rot at home... No test-restest... No need go AH either... Hahax... But got a problem here.... I've got no programme... Wat shld i do for the rest of the dae???

Hmmm... MAyb i shld go to the library.... Return the books which i've borrowed and borrow 1 more book... Y one... Hmmm... Cos sch strting le... School strt = no time read story book le...

Other then going to the library, I've got loads of thgs to do... Data entry would tk forever... Though each person onli need to enter 20 data, but i've enter till i wanna cry le... Arghx... The process of entering data is so horribly boring... All i can do is keep typing and typing and typing... God... Help me.... Hahax... Y dun i get paid??? Wonder how i survived working as an admin staff for data entry previously... Hahax...

Oops... I relli tink i'm realli crapping... I aso cannot stand myself le... Hmmm... Shall update the blog when i have something mroe meaningful to blog den... Bye folks...

Astrological findings... Abit long though....

2005-12-28T23:36:00.000+08:00

Oh... Juz a remark... I tink it's fairly true and feedback from my good friend is tt it's realli true... Hex... So mayb can let u understand me better... But 2 long to be read lahx... More of for my own keepsake... U all veri free den can read lohx... And den comment in my tag box abt any agreement or disagreement ba...

Section 1: How You Approach Life and How You Appear To Others (At Superficial Level)

Capricorn Rising: Cautious, prudent, and rather self-contained, you are a person who approaches life realistically and who is not inclined to take foolish chances or get carried away by the overly optimistic or idealistic schemes of starry-eyed dreamers. In fact, you frequently have a jaundiced view of such things. You are rather worldly-wise at a fairly young age, even something of a cynic. Often the world doesn't seem like a safe, friendly place to you, and you tend to approach life in a guarded, conservative manner. You are generally calculating and careful, and are rarely spontaneous, fluid, open, and childlike.

You are pragmatic, shrewd, and an excellent strategist, carefully planning your moves for maximum effectiveness and advantage. You are willing to work long and persistently for what you want and you often do things the hard way. You do not expect others to take care of you and sometimes refuse or simply don't seek any outside help. You are often very ambitious, but quietly so. There is nothing flamboyant or flashy about your approach. You are very responsible, conscientious, and very concerned with your duties to others and how you appear in society, your "rank" so to speak.

To others you seem mature, serious, quiet, reflective, and emotionally detached. You dislike sloppy sentimentality and won't openly display your feelings, especially the softer ones. You like to always appear poised and in control and hate to show any weakness, vulnerability, or chinks in the armor.

You respect tradition and the time-honored way of doing things, and you feel there is much to be gained from studying history and also by learning from older, more experienced people. A wise mentor or father is often your guide in life, and you in turn develop a great deal of hard-earned wisdom which you like to impart to younger people. You have a stern, authoritarian, no-nonsense aspect to your personality. You expect much from yourself and may not give yourself enough room to experiment and make mistakes.

You also tend to be rather close-fisted, to save and conserve your money and resources rather than spending, enjoying, or splurging with them. You spend money on things of quality and of lasting value, things which are good investments, but not frivolous, temporary pleasures. There is a bit of the ascetic in you. You have great self-discipline and self-control and can "do without" very well. Your tastes are generally understated and simple.

Though you may have other, more colorful and imaginative sides, the face you show the world is modest and rather conservative.

Jupiter Conjunct Ascendant in Capricorn: In addition to your responsible and mature demeanor, you also radiate a sense of confidence, well-being, and optimism which inspires trust and good feelings in others. You expect success in life and you generally achieve it. You tend to create opportunities for yourself wherever you go, through your sincerity and your positive attitude.Asc. Conjunct Mercury/Venus

You are discrete, tactful and adaptable, and you have the ability to create a beautiful environment. You have a knack for entertaining people and appreciate pleasing manners and proper behavior when you are with others.

Section 2: The Inner You: Your Real Motivation
Sun in Sagittarius: You are a gambler and an adventurer at heart, one who loves to take risks, to discover and explore new worlds, and to take the untried path rather than the safe, reliable one. You are an independent soul, freedom-loving, and often very restless. You need a lifestyle that provides opportunities for travel, movement, change, and meeting new people. A steady routine which offers much in the way of security but little in the way of space and freedom is odious to you.

To you, life is a journey, an adventure, endlessly interesting and rich with possibilities, and it may be difficult for you to decide where to focus your attention and efforts. You probably traveled around and experimented with many different paths before you settled on a particular career. Or you may go from one project to the next, for once the challenge and vital interest is gone, you are very quick to move on. Commitment, discipline, focus, and concentration are not your strong points. You can be irresponsible and disinclined to take on the burdens and limitations of adult life.

An incurable optimist, you have big dreams, aspirations, and hopes for the future and are usually pursuing some distant goal. You have a great deal of faith and trust in life and failures don't crush your spirit. You always bounce back from disappointments, often with another bright dream or scheme. You have a sporting, playful attitude toward life and are philosophical about your mistakes. You have the ability to sense future trends, to see the big picture, and you like to theorize and speculate. However, attending to all of the details and practical requirements of implementing your theories is bothersome to you.

You express yourself in a very open, direct, and straightforward manner and are often blunt and tactless as well. Because you do not take yourself too seriously, you may not realize how deeply your candid statements can wound more sensitive souls. In fact, though you may not realize it, your insensitivity and lack of understanding regarding others' feelings is probably one of your worst faults.

You do enjoy friendship and camaraderie, but you need freedom also and do not do well with a possessive, clinging, or emotionally demanding partner. You are quite generous yourself, and heartily dislike pettiness in others. Someone who shares your ideals, your sense of fun, and your zest for life would be the right companion for you.

Sun in 12th house: You tend to get involved in the helping professions or in activities where your efforts are hidden, behind the scenes, unacknowledged, or unknown to the public. Asserting yourself or getting up in front of an audience may be exceedingly uncomfortable for you.Sun Conjunct Mercury: You tend to see things from your perspective only and to be rather subjective. You also enjoy talking and expressing your views but you don't always listen as well. You have a clear mind, a love of learning and new experiences, and need constant mental stimulation and activity.

Sun Sextile Mars: You can be an inspiring leader of a team or group effort. Your dynamism and energy evokes the same in others, and you see healthy competition between people as a plus. Generally, you enjoy fine health as well.

Sun Conjunct Uranus/Neptune: Your physique tends to be sensitive and your vitality may be a bit low. You are very impressionable and somewhat unrealistic. Sometimes your idealism could be confused or impractical, and you can be rebellious or else apathetic.

Section 3: Your Elemental Nature

Fire and Earth are Strong: You have two strong impulses which are somewhat at odds with one another but when blended can be highly creative and productive. On the one hand, there is the dreamer, the gambler, the idealist, the optimist who is full of hopeful confidence, spark, and creative energy. This is the side of you that believes in magic and extraordinary possibilities. Equally strong, however, is the conservative, practical, adult side which seeks security and stability, and which needs to be productive in a concrete way.

Having both of these urges can lead to some internal predicaments, such as: Should I take the safe, well traveled path which offers me security or one which is unpredictable but which offers more freedom and adventure? Is there a way for me to live my dreams rather than simply wish and hope and fantasize about them? Can I bring my dreams to fruition without compromising too much for the sake of the market place? Can I be an idealist who is effective in the everyday mundane world? How can I express myself freely as an individual, while also being responsible and taking care of practical obligations and necessities? Should I be generous, or careful and conservative? Should I play (and be more of a child) or work?

If you give up one side of the equation (for instance, opting for security at the expense of your creativity or your ideals, or choosing to spend most of your time playing and enjoying your own creative pursuits without making any tangible contribution to the world), you will feel unbalanced and unhappy. Your challenge is to learn to somehow have the best of both worlds - to have an inspiration or ideal to aim for and to do something tangible with it. Or, put another way, to bring play and creativity and passion into your work. Your initiative, confidence and faith combined with your practicality would make you quite successful in business especially one of your own.

Water is Weak: You have difficulty dealing with your own and others' emotions. Feelings and the emotional reality of a situation are often ignored or discounted by you and you may thus seem insensitive or uncaring to others. Deep emotional rapport, empathy, compassion, and sensitivity to the feelings of others is something that you need to develop, and will be in more evidence later in life rather than in your youth.

Though you may appear emotionally self-sufficient or above it all, your denied feelings can result in physical problems, so it is wise and important for you to learn to acknowledge and express all of your emotions. You may also find that you crave a great deal of liquid, or to live near bodies of water, as a way to gain balance.

Section 4: Mental Interests and Abilities
Mercury in Sagittarius: You possess vision and foresight, and your mind is often occupied with big ideas, plans, and goals for the future. You are interested in what is possible and what is on the horizon, rather than what has already been done. The study of philosophy, religion, politics, or education is of interest to you, and you are more concerned with theories and concepts than with specific applications. You are not inclined to focus on any one practical, concrete area; you find it irksome to deal with details and particulars. You have a gambling instinct and enjoy speculative enterprises and new ventures. Business, advertising, and promotion would be good areas for you also.

Mercury in 12th house: You don't speak up readily, even when you have a lot to say! Also, your mind tends to drift and you find it difficult to study very factual material that doesn't have much color or imaginative appeal. Your intuition and first impressions are likely to be quite accurate, however, and you tend to depend upon this faculty in making decisions.

Mercury Sextile Mars: You have a sharp tongue and ready wit, and you enjoy intellectual competition, problem solving, and demanding intellectual work. In a debate, you know how to drive your point home. You also possess quick reflexes and dexterity and could be an excellent tennis or racquetball player. Any sport which involves a dynamic exchange between the players is a suitable arena for you.

You may have some strange experiences and could be interested in exploring the unconscious or some new kinds of consciousness. Curious about mystical and occult things, you may occupy yourself investigating supernatural questions.

Section 5: Emotions: Moods, Feelings, Romance

Moon in Virgo: You are very sensitive, cautious, and shy about showing others your feelings. Though you may love and care for someone a great deal, you rarely express those feelings openly and freely. Very often your love for someone will be expressed by trying to help them, doing something tangible to benefit them, or serving them in some way.

It is also difficult for you to receive warmth, affection, or appreciation, for you often feel that you don't really deserve it or that "they don't really mean it". You can therefore seem rather cool and aloof, much more so than you feel.

A deeply ingrained critical attitude often makes you difficult to live with. You need to learn to be gentler and less of a perfectionist with others and with yourself.

Moon in 8th house: Though you want closeness very much, you often close yourself off and do not really trust others who may wish to get to know you. You are very wholehearted in your feelings and responses to people, and you want all or nothing from the people you care for.

Moon Trine Neptune: The beauty and harmony of your surroundings has a very powerful effect on your emotions. You are very sensitive and cannot stand to be in an atmosphere where there is discord or dissonance. Gentle, kindhearted, and peace-loving, you will give or sacrifice much in order to avoid a fight and to "make everyone happy".

Moon Sextile Pluto: You have very deep feelings and profound attachments to people you care about. Your relationship to your mother, sisters, daughters, and other females in your life is apt to be incredibly close and intense. You may be easily manipulated too, when it comes to one of these important relationships, because you're so emotionally invested in it.

Venus in Aquarius: You are open and unconventional in your attitude towards love, romance, and sex. You enjoy socializing, bringing people together, and having many friends of both sexes. You value friendship very highly and are, in fact, more comfortable being a friend than a lover. You desire an intellectual rapport or spiritual bond with your love partner, but deep intimacy and emotional bonding do not come easily to you. The role of "husband" or "wife" in the traditional sense doesn't appeal to you, and you abhor jealousy and possessiveness since you feel that no person truly "belongs" to another. You appreciate a love partner who will allow you plenty of freedom and is not very emotionally demanding.

Venus in 1st house: You are very much aware of your personal appearance, attractiveness, and charm, and you can be rather narcissistic. On the other hand, you are concerned with getting along with others and you have a pleasing, agreeable manner that people find quite appealing. You use tact or charm to get what you want rather than intense effort or force. Your desire for love and affection colors everything you do.

Venus Square Pluto: You experience powerful, compelling emotional and sexual attractions, and you may feel that you have little choice or control over your desires. You have an intense need for love and may be emotionally greedy or insatiable. Your love life is passionate and often tumultuous and painful as well. Jealousy, power struggles, or possessiveness can become areas of conflict in your relationships. Positively, you can be unusually creative and bring about beneficial and healing changes in the lives of others, motivated by your deeply felt love.

Venus Conjunct Mars/Jupiter: You are rich in feelings and have the ability to express them well. You have a knack for making others feel good and are likely to enjoy a harmonious sex-life. You also have a strong need to create and may have a flair for designing fashionable clothes.

Section 6: Drive and Ambition: How You Achieve Your Goals

Mars in Aquarius: You are very socially oriented and work well in cooperation with others. You may be active in community affairs or unite with others of similar ideals and intentions to work toward a common goal. Progressive and democratic, you are not concerned with hoarding personal power or having authority over others. You are a team player.

New, unconventional methods appeal to you, especially ideas that involve bringing people together or creating fairer working conditions - such as networking, profit sharing, job sharing, etc. New technologies also interest you. Your energy level is high but somewhat erratic. You can be impatient, rebellious, and inconstant in pursuing your aims.

Mars in 2nd house: You often buy things on impulse and you can be reckless with your material resources and money. You have certain possessions that you are extremely attached to and possessive of.

Mars Square Saturn: You work hard and patiently to achieve your objectives, persevering and continuing on in spite of difficulties and discouragement. Concentrating on a single, clearly defined goal, you are able to accomplish much, but you often feel that the way is long and arduous, and that you must struggle on alone, that it's all on your shoulders.

You are capable of great self-control and self-denial and can be a hard task master, expecting far too much of yourself. You also tend to hold yourself back, to doubt your own power and ability. You feel that you meet with great resistance whenever you try to assert yourself or take initiative. Anger and frustration can be big problems for you, especially when you try to work with other people or depend too much on others for support. You work best in solitude.

Jupiter Square MC: You have grand aspirations and may be inordinately ambitious at times. That is, you're apt to be discontent with small successes and to feel like a failure unless you achieve extraordinary things. Avoid get-rich-quick schemes which promise tremendous returns for little energy expenditure. Even if they do seem to succeed, your ideals and values could be compromised.

Mars Trine MC: You have an abundance of energy, drive, and spirit to accomplish just about anything you desire. Your single-mindedness and zeal to get things done enable you to accomplish much. Sometimes you push yourself too hard without even realizing it, but sometimes even you need to relax and stop doing. You have the reputation for being a go-getter and a good worker.

Sun Sextile MC: In your professional life you are apt to have a great deal of recognition and success. Early on in your career, important and influential people in your field are apt to notice you and help you along. At some point, you yourself are apt to be quite an influential person -- at least in your chosen line of endeavor. You are headed for a leadership role.

Section 7: Growth and Expansion: Areas That You Enjoy

Jupiter in Capricorn: You have an innate shrewdness, and the ability to develop a clear strategy and follow it carefully in order to reach your goals. You also have a natural sense of order, structure, and self-discipline. You are likely to excel, both because you are ambitious and because it is very important to you to do a professional job, no matter what field you are in, or how humble the task.

Jupiter in 1st house: You have an optimistic outlook on life and to others you appear jovial, confident, and expansive. You do what you can to be encouraging and helpful to other people, and your generosity and lack of pettiness makes you very well-liked.

Because you see yourself as a lucky person, you may feel that you can "get away with anything", without negative consequences. You tend to go to excess and have little sense of moderation (or even caution, at times).

Jupiter Conjunct Venus/Neptune: You are very receptive to beauty and art and have a need to live a comfortable life. You may find great pleasure in illusions and could deem yourself happy in love whether it is real or not. You tend to leave others in doubt about your real inner self.

Jupiter Conjunct Mars/Uranus: A certain element of luck seems to surround you and you could be lucky in some unusual endeavors. You have the correct grasp of situations that present themselves and instinctively know the right time for action.

Section 8: Areas That Challenge You Or Are Difficult For You

Saturn in Scorpio: You yearn for, and fear, being emotionally vulnerable with others and experiencing deep emotional intimacy. Trusting others and letting yourself be known in a deep way doesn't come easily to you, and sexual inhibitions may result from this. You are very self-protective and may be compulsively secretive. Learning to relinquish control in personal relationships, and to be completely open, are important tasks for you.

Saturn in 11th house: You are generally not a "joiner" and do not feel comfortable in clubs, organizations or other groups of people that are centered around some common ideal or interest. If you do participate in a group, you may find the rules and procedures restrictive - or you may simply feel that you do not fit in with the others.

Being alone or with older, more experienced people suits you better than being with groups of your own peers.3

Saturn Conjunct Mercury/MC: Your disposition is somewhat melancholic and you could have a rather pessimistic outlook. You have an inner need to be alone and to deeply meditate on your thoughts. You take life seriously and may have been taught early on to learn from your mistakes.

Saturn Conjunct Uranus/Pluto: A bit stubborn and self-willed, you persist no matter what obstacles you have to overcome. You have great endurance and strength and force yourself to work very hard. You could be somewhat one-sided in the pursuit of your objectives.

Now we will discuss patterns of behavior which you instinctively and habitually revert to when under stress - a mostly unconscious process and one which you are apt to overdo because it is so familiar and thus easy for you. The direction you need to follow in order to develop balance, greater awareness, and wholeness is also described.

You gain by becoming more aware of the rhythm of the seasons and the natural world, learning to slow down and allow life to unfold in its own time. Nurturing a garden, a child, or some other living, growing thing gives you a sense of inner balance.

You have a tendency to be deeply suspicious, to not take anything at face value, to see hidden agendas and dark motives even where none exist! Life does not have to be conflict all the time... learn to accept things as they are.

You also need to develop patience, peace and stability by grounding yourself in your daily work and acting in a consistent and reliable way towards others.

N. Node in 5th house: The arena you are most likely to wrestle with these issues is in playful self-expression, games or sports, and creativity. Try to develop any artistic, expressive, creative potentials you feel you possess, utilizing the qualities described above.

The specific habits which are likely to hold you back, or which you are prone to overdo, especially during stressful periods, include:N. Node Opposition Saturn:Rigid self-control which overly restricts your ability to freely express yourself or explore possibilities, excessive concern with work, duty and security, fearfulness, judgmental attitude towards self or other people, feeling alone and cut off from sources of nourishment outside of the self. Try to learn to relax and recognize that everything is not your responsibility.

N. Node Opposition Sun/Pluto: You love to show off the strength you possess and you have a strong desire to dominate others. You seem to have an exuberant craving for recognition and importance and a need to influence and lead large groups of people.

N. Node Opposition Moon/Mars: You cooperate with others in a vigorous and energetic way. Your motto seems to be "one for all and all for one", and you feel strongly connected with others. In fact, you look upon other people as necessary for a worthwhile life.

Section 9: Originality and Imagination, Areas Where You Are Creative, Unique, Unstable, or Compulsive

Uranus in 11th house: You have unusual, even eccentric friends, and you are likely to join groups, communities, organizations, or clubs which promote progressive or unconventional ideas, social change, or innovation in some form. You are dynamic and creative in business affairs and in organizations.

Neptune in 12th house: Compassionate and extremely sensitive to the emotional tones in the atmosphere surrounding you, you are naturally "psychic" or able to sense and understand much about a person without talking to them or knowing them consciously at all. You are deeply interested in the hidden realms of life and the afterlife. Your powerful sensitivity may also remain latent or repressed through much of your life and then be fully awakened in adulthood.

Pluto in 10th house: You have a powerful sense of destiny and may be unusually, even ruthlessly, ambitious. There is a very driven, compulsive quality to the way you pursue your career or other important life goals, which is likely to win you both staunch admirers and vigorous opponents.

There is a very "radical" side to you, and you may want to remake or change the world in some significant way. Depending on other astrological factors in your chart and your own decisions, you can be either very destructive or a powerful force for healing and positive change in the world.

Neptune Conjunct Jupiter/Uranus: You never seem to plan ahead and tend to take things as they come along. Taking a chance on your future, you may win sometimes and at other times end up disappointed, because your views are inclined to be based on idealism rather than realism.

Neptune Conjunct Uranus/Asc: You respond quickly to people around you, but may find yourself emotionally drained frequently by contacts with restless people in your environment. Some of your relationships also could turn out to be disappointing because of deceptive indications.

Try it...

2005-12-27T12:14:00.000+08:00

Try this test... Q accurate for me wor... http://web.tickle.com/color/result.jsp

Sorrie peeps cos i'm an html idiot dunnoe how to put nice ncie pic and the findings as part of my blog so can onli put my results here k.... Hahax...

My colour is Red! Your color is red, the color of racy sportscars, blushing cheeks, and luscious roses. Red symbolizes passion, romance, and love. So, since you're ruled by red, you probably trust your feelings more than your brain and tend to act spontaneously. If you see something you want, you go for it without thinking twice — impulsive is your middle name. You don't wait around for people to make decisions, either; you dive right in. Quite the romantic, you pay close attention to your emotions. In fact, if your heart isn't in what you're doing, you won't be satisfied. Of course, even when you do pour all your energy into the projects you tackle, your impetuous nature means your passions can shift as frequently as the wind. That's why some reds have trouble with commitment. Our advice? Next time you're feeling fickle, think before you act, if possible. You might be surprised at the results. Overall, though, it's great to be red. No one lives life more completely than you do.

Have bolded the words tt best describes me... Hahax...

If u adults haf smthg against me dun drag my mum into the picture~~~

2005-12-27T00:55:00.000+08:00

Wat the fuck... I'm absolutely pissed off after reading YT's blog... Accoring to her blog, my uncle actualli said tt my mother dunnoe how to teach me tt's y i was insensitive to her daughter's feeling and said that her daughter was siao... Kaoz... Insensitive to her daughter's feelings??? Was her daughter even there in the 1st place??? And wat the hell has it got to do wif my mum... If my mum doesn;t noe how to teach me does he noe how to teach his daughter...

Oh yes ... He's a perfect teacher who taught his daughter how to become anorexia and be super duper anti-social... I'm totalli fine wif the wae my mum has taught me k... At least taught me to be open and honest... At least taught me not to backstab ppl lk him... At least i've alwaz been brave to voice out how i felt... At least my mum taught me to be a good student... Did well for all my exams... Got a sponsorship.... At least my mom tot me to be realistic... Aim for thgs you're able to achieve... Dun tink of getting 7 As when u noe u're not cut out to get it...

Yes yes it's all personal attacks... I can tell u ppl out there... I may be tactless... I may argue wif my mom... I may quearrel wif her... But since she gif birth to me she's my mom... And u ppl out there dun try to insult her wif ur bloody idiotic fucking brain of urs.... If u tink i'm insensitive i dun c how sensitive u are to insult ur elder sister lidat... Fuck off manx... I'm alwaz proud tt i'm so much better off den ur daughter...

Dreading the arrival of a new year...

2005-12-26T23:50:00.000+08:00

I din noe tt it'll be Jan 2006 next week... I happily tot that there's another week to go... Haix... Den 2dae i was looking at the calender at my cousin's house... To my astonishment, i realised that this's the last week of 2005... Despite all the festive season, i'm realli not in festive mood at all... Realli dread and hate the arrival of year 2006... There're a couple of reason for me to hate it... Let me list them down 1 by 1...

Reason number 1... Starting of 2006 means the commencement of the suckiest time-table... U cannot imagine how i hated my new time-table... It has never been so bad before... I felt as if i'm studying to the fullest everydae... My lesson either strt at 9 or 10 and end at either 5 or 6... Oh my... And there isn't many breaks between each lesson... Meaning i guess i gotta slog to death for the following months in sch... Yucks... The lazy me hopes tt sch will nv strt...

Starting of a new semester would aso mark the end of my sch life veri soon and the strt of my working life... Haix... How many ppl actualli would celebrate this dae cos all the studying is finalli over... I'm juz warped, as i've alwaz been, i realli dun look forward to it at all... The though of having to leave my group of interesting fren and having to blend into the working world is totalli sucky... I need to SOCIALISE... At least learn to be more sociable when i totalli dun feel lk... Arghx... Den need to tk competency and written test which i'm so worried i'll fail... And i'll be audited again and again... Given feedback or scolded for things which i haf not done well... And as a result felt horribly upset abt it for the next few daes... Haix... I juz hate work okie... I dun wan the responsibilities and the feeling of not under shelter again... Yes... I'm a wen shi li de xiao hua... But i juz hope to remain lidat... 2bad lahx... I noe i can't...

Oh another reason y i hate 2006 is cos it means chinese new year would be around the corner... You may wonder y i feel so sucky that CNY is around the corner... My usual reaction would be, "Yeah! Got nice food during reunion... Got ang bao to tk... And can haf excuse to buy new clothes..." Hmmm... But this year, i'm not in the mood to buy new clothes... Cos i noe i muz consider abt my work so i need to buy onli clothes tt're appropriate for work, which's totalli out of my style... So sucky... Hate pants... Reunion dinner has not been fantastic since dunnoe when... So how much can i look forward to... Tink chinese customs smtimes is so wierd... Ppl juz sit ard a table once a year to eat... Wat for... And though the money is attractive still... But how much do i get each yr... I dun feel lk gathering wif my family... I tink i'm strting to dread my family... I realli tink my entire family, immediate or extended are all horribly irritating... Haix...

Hmmm... I realli tink i'm a horrible chinese who'll nv appreciate chinese tradition... Actualli i once m veri interested in chinese tradition but as i grow older i realise tt chinese tradition is horribly bias... For example, according to chinese culture, it's horribly important to respect the elderly, they're suppose to be wise cos of the amt of experiece they haf and blah blah blah... But the elderly, as in our zhang bei, make me feel that they pretend to be wise... How wise are they??? Respect shld be earned and not given isn't it.... Wat the adults do nowadaes is to order their children, grandchildren or whoever ard lahx... They expect u to follow dem lk a dog... Cannot voice ur own opinion... And how many times are they fully rite?? ?Mayb they're in their olden context but this's already the 21st century... I dunnoe how thgs are lk in the past... Mayb the same or mayb worst but as far as i'm concern i juz hate when ppl uses their seniority to threaten me... It would be to no avail... The more they do it the more rebellious i m... But no adult understand... My family is the typical kind, though not veri traditional but at least the adult will forever tink they're rite... But most of the time it's their thinking onli...

Actualli until todae, i still believe that everythg in this world is gray... Nomatter how black it may seem or how white it may seem, there's alwaz a gray area tt ppl neglect... If u can get hold of this gray area u can make the white turn black and blacl turn white... Tt's the best thgs lawyers can do... Tk for example again the issue i raised up afew daes ago abt me sayng tt my cousin study till crazy... YT told em tt my uncle went to complain my grandma tt he hear le den veri heartache... And all the adults assuming tt they noe everythg, assuming tt they noe me perfectly well, decide to comment tt i shld b sclded... Saying how can i be so tactless and i would offend ppl when i work and end up being backstab and blah blah blah... It sounded lk i'm at fault isn't it but as i've alwaz been q good in picking up gray area let me analyse for u...

Let me gif u some background info abt this cousin of mine... I was nv close to her... Felt even more disgusted when she became anorexic after been overly stress up... Was diagnose wif depression plus anorexia or smthg of tt sort lahx... Oh i noe u all will sae tt i'm evil... Cos since i'm an OT i shldn't be prejudice against ppl wif mental illness and blah blah blah... But it's the wae my family behave tt turned me off and ended up i realli hate my cousin... She's lk the centre topic and everybody forces you to be concern abt her and blah blah blah... And the worse thg is she hai my mother get sclded... Stupid ger... She realli acted lk she's the queen lohx... Yucks... Enuff of background... I'm sure this background will make u all think tt i'm reali at fault to make the statement... But lk i sae i'll explain my stand...

When i sae tt sentence, it's out of anger tt they did not view how i feel seriously... Took it as kinda a joke to compare me wif my cousin (ppl who dunnoe the entire story please refer to earlier entry)... So as irritated as i was, this sentence came flying out of my mouth... But my "Crazy" doesn;t mean she's anorexic and blah blah blah... I'll nv label them crazy one lohx... Cos i'm educated... I dislk her not cos of her illness is cos of wat happened after her diagnosis... So tt "Crazy" actualli means my typical word, a word to describe ppl who overdo thgs... U all understand my point... But everyone smhow tot i'm referring to her illness... My beloved fren... They're the one who label her isn't it??? If it's not cos they've got the mentality that she's crazy, how would they link wat i've said to her illness... Imagine if i sae this sentence to someone who never had tt illness would they react the same wae??? NO!!! Of cos we can;t alwaz push blame to others lahx... I need to tk my part of fault for my tactlessness... But i'm sure they shld aso reflect upon themselves... But i bet u they won't... Here, i shall close my case wif the stand tt m i fully at fault??? No... Cos if there's onli stimuli (which is the sentence i said) wif no receptor to recieve interpretation from their brain, this sentence would be meaningless... So i once again urge adults out there to reflect upon urself when u tink others is at fault... Usualli it take two person to make a fault, one to provide stimuli, the other to interpret the stimuli...

Sorrie non-medical student out there who don't understand... But i believe most ppl wo read my blog shld understand... Oh... A veri long entry... Actuallis till haf alot to sae abt chinese culture but tired le... May continue f i'm still in the mood tomorrow... Suddenly felt tt it's a waste tt i dun study law... Hahax... Kidding lahx... I not so lihai... Juz crapping... Oh... Mayb some of the ppl who read my blog may think tt i'm trying to find excuse for myself but i realli tink everythg is up to one's belief and values and all i can sae is mine is different from many ppl out there including my family... Hahax...

Christmas Dae...

2005-12-26T10:14:00.000+08:00

Well well... I noe tt it's not Christmas dae 2dae but as u ppl noe, i'm super delayed blogger... Alwaz no mood to blog den will drag to the next dae den blog... Hahax... Hopeless manx...

Well wat did i do on Christmas dae, i tink i purely wasted my life... Hahax... I reach home at ard 8 from bbq and i slpt til 3+ in the noon... Hahax... Lihai ba... But i tink i realli could slp earlier one wor... But some ppl are juz inconsiderate lahx... It's raining u c... Though me and a couple of my frenz are those who won't mind walking in the rain and be wet despite having two umbrellas, there're the veri ger ones mahx... So we decided that we shall wait for rain to be smaller but who noes, they got car... Duh~ If i noe they're tking car, i'd probably have gone back home and slp lohx... Y so bu zhi dong... Well well...

Oh... And shld i comment abt the Christmas eve bbq... Well, let me 1st commence on commenting who went... There're me, Kerry, Zhao, Li Ping and my shuai ge, hahax... For tt i mean my clique lahx... Den got 3 other guys and afew other gers... HL's fren lahx... As usual, food is an essential part of bbq lahx... Onli tt i tink i'm pampered by the guys lohx... So i spent my time juz eating and the guys bbq lohx... Hahax... Actualli, din enjoy the bbq part veri much... Abit boring lohx... Other than eating still eating... Oh my...

Den after tt we juz chat lohx... Chatted seperately... Kerry and my Shuai ge gotta leave 1st lohx... So they left,... It's midnite by den le... The few bored person left joined the guys lohx... Chatted and played bluff and bridge.... Well... Attempt to play bluff failed cos got 1 honest person... The honest person bluff less den 10% of the time... Since bluff failed we played bridge... Hahax... I muz comment it's the most horrible experience... Cos got a guy he super blur... He won't even noe when his partner is the bidder.... Oh my... So he keep sending wrong signal and dun even noe when he wins... Hahax... Boring...

Well well... I muz sae boring is not all... I was still happily entertained by 3 cats... Hate the cats... Dunnoe y the hell they keep coming over to our pit... And what make things worst is tt the blur guy aso scared of cats... Kaoz... Den he keep chasing the cat from the bbq pit to where i m... Wah laoz... Feel lk dying manx... If i've a bf lk him i'll kill myself... My bf cannot be scared of cat... I'll die... Can u imagine how the supposedly the guy bravely protecting the ger scene would turn out to be both person fleeing.. .Spaastic rite... Hahax... Well well... I realli hate cats de lahx... And then it rained then i tot tt i'd be safe in the shelter cos since it's raining, the cats probably won't come over... But i was wrong... The cats came into the shelter... Kaoz... Wanna die... I had to stnad in the rain wif the umbrella... If u cannot imagine how scared i m of cats, after reading this blog u might get a rough idea ba... HAha...

Christmas Eve...

2005-12-24T13:42:00.000+08:00

Today marks the eve when Jesus Christ is born... Hahax... Do i sound lk a Christian... No lahx... I'm not a Christian... But i do celebrate Christmas... 4 the wrong reason though... Christian celebrate Christmas cos of the birth of an important character in their life... But for me, hex... 24th of December marks the dae when i've got an excuse to stay out and juz enjoy myself with my frenx... Hahax... Horrible me...

I've got a bbq tobnite... But i'm suppose to pack my notes b4 i go for bbq... I considered myself finish packing but i'm veri sure if my mum sees what i've done she'll scream the hell out of me.. So conclusion i need to run b4 she comes home... Aiyo... No choice lahx... My notes are still all over the place and i pack till i'm tired le... So this sem's notes, i can onli stack it on top of the boxes... I aso lack boxes to put the notes mahx... Hex...

Oh... Anywae, Thurs i met up wif my sec sch bball mates... Well... They miss and dote me lahx... So wanna meet me to celebrate my bdae... Hahax... No lahx... Juz tt i tink it has been a custom to celebrate each other's bdae and this is also an excuse to meet up ba... Else the bz ppl where got time to meet up ne??? Hahax... Well, we went to Jack's place to eat and then went Indochine (? Did i spell correctly?)... Well, we took photos, eat and drink... Me as usual can onli tolerate cocktail... Hahax... So ordered Tequila sunrise, hoping tt i'll wakeup by sunrise 2ml... Hahax... Lame... Sorrie... Back to the topic... The staff happened to find out tt they're celebrating my bdae so i was invited on stage by the band... Hahax... Diao rite... The stage idiot me dunnoe wat to do and stood there lk a dummy... But i enjoyed myself alot... And i noe my frenz are worried i dun get myself a bf any sonner... Cos it's onli left wif me and LP on the shelf... Oops... Sorrie Lp to push u into the pic... Hahax... Well well... So when the band asked wat is their message to me they happily said: "Find her a bf"... Well well... It's not lk bf can buy from market one my beloved frenz out there... Hmmm... I smtiems do wan to get attached too... Cos i sometimes do feel lonely... Mayb cos many of my frenz out there are attached lahx... Den smtimes wen u feel sad u do wan someone who's stronger by ur side... .But 2 bad... Haven met anyone who can make me gif up my freedom plus temper for him... My prince charming is stuck in the desert lahx... Hahax...

Oh... After 1 nite of drinking... Though onli drank 2/3 of the glass of drink, Kerry asked me to join NC ppl for a drink... Tink they gg China Black... I juz got the feeling tt China Black is noisy... Hahax... Mayb dun lk the name ba... Dun lk clubbing either lahx... Since it's a pub not a bar i tink i won't lk it loh... Lol... So ended up slping through i whole of last nite... I slp at 6pm yesterdae... Hahax... And i woke up at 8.30am 2dae... Hahax... Champion rite??? Tink 2dae i'll be wide awake ba... Hahax...

B4 i leave, i shall wish whoever reads my blog a Merry Christmas... Regardless of wat reason u celebrate Christmas for... Hahax...

dun irritate me ppl...

2005-12-18T21:02:00.002+08:00

I realli tink ppl nowadaes are not in their right frame of mind... If they stop irritating me, won't there be lk less tactlessness on my part and ended up offending ppl... Oh well... Ppl dun understand that their opinion is smtimes not needed and not asked for... So they shld juz keep thier bloody mouth shut... Dun try to tk ppl's emotion as a joke... Tt's horrible and irritating of them... Well well... I mean i noe i shld haf been more tactful lahx... But 2 bad i joke too much... and ppl cannot tk my joke cos they tk everythg seriously and to heart... Too bad then...

Everythg happened from my mum commenting tt i alwaz cry after i come back from exam when i dun noe how to do... Well i tink i cry for a more valid reason than i tink i'm gonna fail... I usualli cry cos i feel so upset tt i make stupid mistake... It is stupid mistake tt i can nv condon and allow myself to make.. But they dun understand... And worse of all is tt he actualli compare me to his daughter and sae i'm lk his daughter... I dun care if it's juz a remark but firstly, i tink that making remarks lidat is trying to embarass me and not veri empathetic to a person's emotion... 2ndly, i dun lk to compared to other ppl... 3rdly i tink comparing me to his daughter is an utter insult... I think i'm much better den his daughter... And out of defensing myself and my emotions, trying to protect my emotions from being treated lk a joke and save myself from the humiliation and embarassment, i said smthg q mean, i mean harsh in the words but not suppose to mean tt wae when i sae it lahx... I mean i lk sayin ppl siao one mahx... So i happily said tt i nv study lk go crazy lohx... Which i perfectly agree... Common, she's stress when's she's onli in sec sch... U noe wat i'm doing in sec sch??? Playin bball... Duh... But i seriously muz emphasise tt the word crazy is not meant to be the literal meaning... But apparently, he was offended...

Oh well 2 bad... I mean i noe i'm at fault but complaining do u no good... Cos i'm forever me... U dun try to hurt me i'll get off u... So dun speak when ur opinion is not asked for...

Perhaps Love...

2005-12-12T01:38:00.000+08:00

Oh... I should have blog this earlier... But no internet access as my bro is all keen and crazy over his silkroad... Hmmm... Went to watch Perhaps love with my beloved cousin... I muz admit that the onli reason why i decide to be so intellectual is because Takeshi Kaneshiro is tha main lead of tt show... Hahax... Horrible me... In fact after reading the review, i tot i won't be able to appreciate the show... I tot i would juz find the show boring... But things are not as i've tot...

The plot of the story is a musical in another musical... From the entire story, i could totally sense wat the actors and actresses are trying to potray... Their yan shen is so shang gan... There is no excessive crying... And i muz sae, out of so many movie that Takeshi has acted, this is one of the few veri good ones... At least he makes me feel that he's realli acting instead of being trying to fulfil an idiotic character which he is alwaz given... haha...

I love the way they transit from the past to the present... Seeing how he got from sadness to hatred to resolving his hatred for the female lead is so beautiful... Not segmented at all... Everythg nicely integrated... Onli thing is that the songs are not to my favour ba...

Overall, i would rate this film as good... Gif it 70/100... Hex... I recommend ppl to watch it if u lk musical... Got shuai ge smmore... Haha... Tt's the most important reason why u shld watch... Haha...

Ermmm...

2005-12-08T21:39:00.000+08:00

I dunnoe wat i shld blog 2dae but i guess when u're bored, u'll juz feel like blogging... I realli wonder wat kinda life m i leading now... Everydae reporting at AH early in the morning praying hard tt i dun haf to stay there the whole dae... Den cos of the plenty breaks in between, i horribly snack, eat and gossip... Oh well engagin in all the most horrible activity u can tink of... I need a life... But wat shld it be???

After reading Eliz blog, i suddenly realise it's a long time since i really had any active leisure... Basketball used to be my onli active leisure and i'm so indulge in it... But now... I've got no real active leisure... So horrible... Previously during a period of time, i'll indulge in wakeboarding... Though it's expensive but it's active... Now all i do is play computer games, watch tv and vcd and eat and slack and complain that i do not haf enuff slp...

Is it tt my inactive lifestyle has resulted in a decrease level of arousal and alertness... Timre for leisure exploration... Mayb i shld go and c wat are some gu pi de leisure which i could pick up... My beloved frens if u happen to read my blog, we've not played badminton for a long long long time already... Shall we resume the activity after we strt sch... Haix... Yr 3 is juz so suckYYY!!!

Labile vs agitation...

2005-12-06T17:14:00.000+08:00

M i labile or is it that ppl are getting on my nerves? I realli tink is more of the latter... 2dae i went to AH with a happie feeling which was a continuation of yesterdae... Though i do haf alot of fatigue due to sleep deprivation... Nevetheless, i tink everythg tt happened yesterdae juz perked me up lahx...

The blur blur me din noe tt Eliz is not coming 2dae... Hahax... Cos i nv read my msg carefully... According to Eliz i'm auntie... Hahax... Den i juz happily asked Peimin... So did u all managed to find out if she failed her paper... Hmmm... I tink it's out of genuine concern tt i'm asking... But hao xin ppl dang cheng gou shi lahx... I was told tt KS wanted them to keep a secret from me and the reason why she did not tell them is cos i'm ard tt dae... Oh well... Stupid ppl are lidat... Do u tink u can hide from me when i'm the 1st person to sense that smthg's amiss... Duh... Ruo yao ren bu zhi, chu fei ji mo wei... Nv hear b4 arhx... Tellin ppl lidat onli let me end up noeing how bloody fucking irritating u can be... Pardon me for all the vulgarities... As i'm said, i'm not in the best of mood lahx... And since i've decided to blog here it's for everyone to read lahx...

Oh well... I can sae i'm hurt and when i'm hurt i hate and when i hate i'll make sure ur life wif me is miserable... Thanks for activatin all my evil genes in me... Awaken them alreadi... How long haf i not hated anyone... I shall rejoice over ur failure since kindness doesn't get repaid... Even though it's onli failing by afew points u still fail... Hahax... And i'm so happie i'm not seeing u any sooner... At least a peace of my eyes lohx... And when i c I'm not gonna tolerate u anymore... Cos i hate u and u're not my fren at all... Dun need anyone who dun appreciates me as my fren... It doesn't make a difference to my life i'm afraid... Better hide all ur dark secrets and pray hard i'll nv get to noe dem... Cos i'm sensitive to ur funnie actions...

I tink i sounded lk satan... But when ppl push u to ur limits u noe u'll become one...

I'll realli miss everythg tt i enjoyed in the past 2 months...

2005-12-05T23:54:00.000+08:00

2 months is realli a long placement... It's so long that i somehow find that going to CGH to work is part of my everydae life... Oh well... It'd be part of my everyday life real soon...

2dae is a dae wif mixed feelings... I'm happie and excited that placement had come to an end... As u noe... I alwaz find placement extremely tiring... And the distance fo this placement from my home did nto help at all... So when this finalli over, i tink i need to rejoice (If onli i dun haf to go AH. i'd love everythg more...).

However, at the same time, i realli tink i'm gonna miss everythg that Huiting has done for me while i'm in CGH... I realli enjoyed this placement so much... I enjoyed my learning under her... And i enjoyed her companion... Though i must admit that i dun feel as comfortable wif her as i'm with Mandy but she's still someone whom i enjoy working wof alot... She made my placement in CGH a most memoriable placement i've had...

Anyway, 2dae i gave both Huiting and Xinyi a gift... I'm veri happie that both of dem are happie and touched... At least the deep thoughts put into getting them the present is all worth it... At least the appreciates all the effort i put in... Most importantly... At least i tink Huiting appreciates the hardwork that i put in to help her lighten her workload... Though i did not score full marks for this placement but i tink i'm hapie enuff wif my grades... nothing mroe that i can expect... :)

Hopefully when i return to work everythg would be so enjoyable too...

A happie dae...

2005-11-25T14:30:00.000+08:00

2dae is a happie dae for me... Everythg was all good and well... This morning the results was released and the 1st thg i saw this morning was the sms of my result... Oh well, i would definintely not be happie wif this results in the past but i tink i juz got immune to all the horrible grades le... Though i dun tink these grades are horrible either... Juz tt they're not veri good results but we shld be contented given tt i spend super littlet ime studying for each subject... Hahax... 2 last minute to expect anything realli fantastic... Haha...

Oh den 2dae got half dae... I muz realli sae tt HT is veri ncie to me... She's on half dae todae and so she offered to let me go half dae aso... Hahax... Yippie... So here i m at hm slacking... I shld be doing my FYP one though.. But nvm lahx... She won't noe... Juz let me slack!!! Hahax...

Oh and later i'm gg to hang out wif Eliz and gang again... Yeah... I tink i'm deprive of gg out so whenever i can go out i'll be veri veri veri happie... Hahax... Even if it means onli sitting ard to tok crap... Dumb rite??? But tt's wat u'll be like when u feel deprive... Haha... Diaoz... Sound so crude..