9/15/2008 11:56:00 PM
Monday, September 15, 2008
I think i do not haf a very healthy emotions. It has been lidat since dunnoe when but i'm starting to feel that either i'm gaining more and more insight on my emotions or my emotional health is getting frm bad to worse.
I've concluded that i'm simply a grouchy person. My emotions forever affect others. But yet i cannot hide my emotions and end up mking alot of ppl sad. I nvexpect ppl to like me but i no need to makemyself so detestable. So i learn to run. Whenever i sense any bit of rejection, i run awae frm them. Is it wrong to even just be myself? I feel so tired having to put on a smiley front to face others. I noe it's not easy for ppl to handle my emotions but yet at the same time, i dun tink i've really wanted anyone to handle my emotions. Can't i juz haf some personal space to be ignored.
Sigh life is really a very tiring thing. sometimes i just wonder if i'mr ealli so difficult to befriend or i'm really so difficult to like. If i m then just let me live in my own word, out of the community. It's tiring trying to befriend people not knowing how much ppl accept you.
Oh God gimme a break~
9/02/2008 12:16:00 AM
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
I realised that i'm juz gg into a downward spiral in terms of my emotional condition. I'm upset abt work, family, friends. Everythg tt i can pick on i'm upset. Hahax. I tink i'm letting myself dwell into sense of rejection again. Mayb noone has ever rejected me. It is me who rejected myself. Cos i realli tink i couldn't stand my character and who can stand someone wif such intense emotions esp when they're q negative.
Let's strt from work. I've basically given up on CGH. Sometimes i wonder if it's juz about me. Y is it tt all other ppl appear to be surviving fairly well there. Mayb my EQ is juz wae too low and i often offend ppl without knowing. Sigh. Juz feel picked on left rite centre. Even when i did not do anything, people must make assumptions based on their big but empty brain. And it's so tiring to be pretending that i still m okie wif the management though i realli tink they sux big time and that they're not making sense. Well, i'm juz not the guai guai type. Lalala. I've decided to change a place to work and i've also decided that when i go to the new environment, i shall keep work and personal life veri seperate. I shall speak when only utmost necessary. I tink this world is a tiring world to survive in cos people are so difficult to read. U dunnoe when u're placing urself into utmost danger~
And home. I'm juz tired. Tired abt her hubbing on me daily to go home, turn off my computer etc etc. U noe after a full dae at work, i kinda juz wanna tk a break and juz switch off my brain. Everything at work is so brain taxing cos i need to entertain idiots whom i dun feel lk entertaining. And every answer i give must be politically correct. And even if i tink that they're coming up wif the most non-sensical and idiotic idea, i need to hide my facial expression and juz go ya we'll try. Duh. Some things u dun need to try to noe that it will not work. Lk the S-Bar. Duh. It's nthg but extra work and waste of time and energy. Haven we tested it long enuff. I tink the low compliance rate speaks it all. I do not need to further elaborate about that.
And frenz, actualli, not much thg abt fren. As usual, the negative tots tt frens juz come and go.
I cannot believe tt i'm so terribly negative andi tink all these negative thoughts r realli killing me. Cos i tink it makes my dae feel xian and dull and dunnoe wat. Wateva. I juz pray 2ml will be a better dae. Will i suddenly feel more happie. Hahax.